Nearly two years later, it’s safe to say that most of us never could have imagined we would still be battling COVID-19. In 2020, the only defenses we were told we had were masks and social distancing, and people were divided about whether lockdown measures were the right thing to do. We now have broad access to various COVID-19 vaccines, but this has added yet another layer of drama to an already complicated situation: Vaccinated people vs. Unvaccinated people. 

Vaccine mandates in many cities in the U.S. mean that some people are enjoying freedom and mobility that we haven’t experienced since early 2020, while others are having to determine if they can frequent venues they used to, or if they need to leave their jobs altogether. Some unvaccinated people say the mandates affect their ability to earn a living and move freely, and they feel constricted and left out. They also may be apprehensive about sharing their status because of the potential fallout and stigma attached to being unvaccinated, especially from family and friends. 

With the holidays approaching, some folks are making the tough decision to change up their traditions and not visit with some family members, or host vaccinated-only gatherings. These decisions are deeply personal, and this charged environment is causing division and stress. But what vaxxed and unvaxxed have in common is fear, frustration and fatigue, and that could be a starting point for finding common ground and creating more peace for everyone involved. 

A major factor contributing to wariness on both sides is uncertainty. We don’t know how long COVID-19 is going to be around or how much longer our daily lives will be affected. We don’t know if new variants will crop up, and because some folks can be asymptomatic, we may not even know if we or others have the virus. 

Another factor affecting us all is grief. With nearly 770,000 killed in the US alone, the swiftness with which the disease has cleaved through our ranks has put us in a continued state of mourning since 2020. These profound losses can lead to sadness, hopelessness, and depression if not for maintaining connections, rituals, and practices that keep us grounded and lift our spirits.

And we are all coping with change in navigating this new Covid-era landscape. 

The uncertainty, grief, and change all contribute to ongoing stress and trauma that we have experienced, and it often shows up as stress, fear, anxiety, and anger.  

Compounding those emotions is some people’s need to choose a side as if it's “us against them” rather than all of us against the pandemic. 

There’s nothing wrong with standing by how you feel. We’re all making decisions based on the information we have access to, and by weighing our own tolerance for risk.  

But arguing about who’s right won’t solve anything and may endanger already frayed relationships. At this point, it’s probably unlikely that you will convince anyone to agree with you, especially if you’re being dogmatic and judgmental. What we can do to lower the tension in that communication is to set and honor your own boundaries. 

If you’re unvaccinated and still have questions, then stand by that as you adhere to distancing and masking to protect your health and that of others and continue to seek answers from trustworthy sources based on science. Remember that it’s not OK to force others to abide by your health choices. 

If you’re vaccinated and don’t feel comfortable around people who aren’t vaccinated, then stand by that as well. Keep your distance and mask up, and show patience and extend grace to your fellow human beings. Know that many people who aren’t vaccinated feel under attack for their personal decisions. 

We’re all experiencing fear, fatigue, and apprehension in these battle-scarred days of Covid-19; and imposing our views on one another is not a sustainable path forward. We will come out of this much stronger if we agree to disagree -- and each of us does what we need to do to stay safe.

Credit: Syda Productions for Canva

I’ve been hearing a lot of talk lately about people — Black women especially — “protecting my peace” or “protecting my energy.”  What they mean is to set healthy boundaries and to intentionally cultivate joy. They’re able to say, “this doesn’t feel good to me,” to walk away and to make a change in order to preserve their mental wellness.

Tennis superstar Naomi Osaka recently quit the French Open to care for her mental health after being fined and threatened with disqualification for not wanting to speak with the press. “I do hope that people can relate and understand it’s O.K. to not be O.K., and it’s O.K. to talk about it,“ she wrote in Time. And tennis superstar Venus Williams unapologetically told the media how she protects her peace by keeping in mind that she is the one who is the champ, not the people who write about her. In fact, she told them, they can’t hold a candle to her. 

There are songs about protecting your energy, like Jhene Aiko’s “Trigger Protection Mantra,” which is intended to calm you down when you’re feeling upset, and Mary J. Blige’s classic “No More Drama,” where she sings passionately about cutting off toxic relationships. 

On a personal level, some of my friends talk about how they took up hobbies like cooking or journaling through the pandemic because it put them in a positive and peaceful space. One colleague, Shawnee Benton Gibson, has done a lot of transformational work around how stressors in life can affect Black women’s health. She talks about how high vibrations leave you feeling uplifted and contribute to your happiness, while low vibrations can contribute to sadness and distress. 

Toughing out situations that aren’t beneficial to our mental health used to be seen as a measure of strength. But these days many of us recognize the changes we need to make in how we respond to life’s curveballs. Plus, responding to the pandemic in the last year or so led many of us to reflect on what really matters in life, and what no longer serves us. Many people are rethinking how they move through the world, and how they show up for themselves and for others.

This re-evaluation of values and priorities is leading us to search for better-paying, more fulfilling work at places where our contributions and presence and presence of mind are valued. We’re scheduling time in nature, and time to rest and restore. We’re finding support to help us move through profound losses and change, and we’re finding accountability partners and no longer spending time with people who traffic in negativity. The person who is always complaining about stuff but never has solutions? She’s sitting off somewhere on the sidelines of our game.

Zora Neale Hurston wrote in her empowering 1937 novel, Their Eyes Were Watching God: “Black women are the mules of the world. They carry the load that white men, white women, and Black men refuse to carry; they do the work no one wants to do, without praise or thanks.” 

We’re finally putting those days behind us. 

Take a moment to journal about what might need to change in your life and what action you need to take to change it in order to protect your peace. Pick up hobbies that bring you joy, or as Sister Shawnee might say, “raise your vibration.” Listen to music that lifts your mood, and most importantly, set your boundaries and remain firm in your intentions so that you can lead a positive and more fulfilled life. Protecting your energy isn’t just a saying; it’s a way of being.

Credit: monkeybusinessimages/iStock

After more than a year of staying home, masked up, and vigilant about keeping distant in the coronavirus pandemic, vaccines have brought some hope that we can safely return to near-normal pre-pandemic activities. While that’s great news, not everybody is ready to re-emerge and reconnect just yet. In fact, looser mask mandates and social distancing restrictions can cause a great deal of anxiety for some. 

If you can relate, you are not alone. Let’s talk about what might contribute to your unease about resuming activities you once did before the pandemic started, and explore ways for you to get back to living your life more fully.

 Restaurants, theaters, and other venues are returning to full capacity, and some businesses are calling employees back to work in-office, but the virus is still out there among us. Yes, vaccinated people have a very low chance of developing severe disease, hospitalization and death, according to the CDC. But the World Health Organization says we’re not out of the woods just yet. Some countries still don’t have access to vaccines and infections continue to rise, vaccines are not yet approved for children under 12, we don’t know how long immunity lasts after receiving a vaccine, and we don’t know what may happen with variants down the line. 

That’s a lot of uncertainty to navigate, and our brains don’t like uncertainty because it makes us feel unsafe. So it’s understandable if you want to be cautious about how you emerge – or if you’re not ready to emerge at all just yet. The best way to move forward is to do what makes you feel most comfortable. 

 Here are four questions to ask yourself about how to re-enter society safely. 

What do I need to feel safe?

It’s OK to ask about safety precautions before you enter any space. If you’re invited to someone’s home, ask if masks will be worn and/or whether all guests must be vaccinated in order to attend. Determine if the gathering will be outdoors instead or inside. If you don’t like the answers, don’t go, and don’t feel any guilt about it. 

What are my boundaries for interacting? 

How you feel about emerging might be different from what other people are feeling. Just because some vaccinated folks are going around maskless and hugging cheek-to-cheek doesn’t mean you’re obligated to be maskless and drop your elbow-bump greeting. Don’t feel pressured to go along; listen to your instincts and go at your own pace.

What needs to change about the way I work?

Your company might soon require vaccinations, but even so, you still might not feel safe working in an enclosed space with others. Or you may have enjoyed and want to keep your newfound flexibility from working from home. You might not be able to dictate what happens at work, but keep in mind that a lot of companies are either going all remote or adopting hybrid models. It could be time to look for a job with protocols that you’re more comfortable with. (Or maybe you’re rethinking the type of work that you do altogether, as many seem to be doing.)

How can I still have fun? 

Think about ways to find the most joy in whatever you’re doing.  For some of us, social distance meant emotional distance, so as it warms up in much of the country, this is a great time to grab your girlfriend, your boo, or your kids and get outside as much as you can. Nature walks, girl trekking, dining outdoors, spreading out on the beach, or spending time in your local park are all great warm-weather options.

Whatever you do, consider what feels right to you, give yourself grace and reemerge in our own way.  

As Americans of all stripes march and rally and push to end racial injustice, not only are Black folks reinvigorated to to fight chronic, systemic racism — the other pandemic that we we’ve been facing all along — we’re also being asked to talk about it! In addition to exploring with family and friends in spaces where we feel comfortable, some of us are being invited by white colleagues to share our thoughts and experiences at the office.

But maybe you don’t want to talk about it at the office. And you know what? That’s OK!

In my latest article for the Sisters AARP newsletter, “Boundaries Matter: It’s OK to Not Want to Talk To White People about Racism,” I share some ways you can establish healthy boundaries in your workplace so that you can take care and protect yourself from racially traumatic experiences in white spaces. Read the article here.

Resolution reset:

Drop the emotional baggage and let go of things that no longer serve you.

We are already ankle-deep into 2020, and at this point, some resolutions may be roadkill and you may need to revise or recommit to your goals. Many of us aspire to start fresh and establish healthy habits at the top of a new year -- our vision boards abound with exciting new adventures and attitude. But in order to succeed, we may need to break bad habits too. Think about it: What are some habits, beliefs, behaviors -- and maybe even people -- that don’t fit your life anymore? 

Here are some suggestions to help you drop emotional baggage and attachments that may have held you back in years past so you can pursue new goals in this new decade.

1. Give up the people-pleasing. Saying “yes” when you really mean “no” isn’t being nice or polite. It’s you not setting healthy boundaries. And not having healthy boundaries -- even with people you love -- can lead to stress, frustration and resentment because you’re sacrificing your needs to meet someone else’s. Express what you need or what you won’t tolerate. That might mean saying “no” to requests or expectations that you might have allowed in the past. Some folks may have a hard time accepting this new, boundary-having you; but if they want to be a part of your life in this new decade, they will have to adjust.
   
   

2. Let go of the one you won’t let get away. You know the pattern: You’ve been dating him or her off and on for a while, maybe even years. The two of you aren’t the best fit, and you keep saying you’re going to end the relationship for good this time; but you can’t seem to honor that commitment. Maybe there’s a part of you that believes that someone who is a better fit won’t come along. So Mr. Not-Quite-Right keeps recycling through your life, bringing yet another cycle of disappointment. If you’re in a relationship in which you don’t feel seen, heard and respected, it’s time to leave. It is worth the discomfort (and maybe the loneliness) of separating now so you can move on and enjoy a stronger relationship later.
   
   

3. Stop filling holes in your life with things (or people). When it comes to being fulfilled, self-love is the secret sauce. Overeating, overspending and overindulging in chaotic relationships can all be signs of using things and people to comfort yourself. Instead, you may need comfort that comes from rest, self-reflection, meditation and deepening your spiritual practice. Try journaling to explore your feelings, what’s missing, or how you want your life to be different. If you need additional support, seek a counselor or therapist.
   
   

4. Stop procrastinating. Big dreams can be scary, especially when they force you outside of your comfort zone. But procrastination can also bog down seemingly simple tasks on your to-do list (like that routine medical checkup). If you find you’re putting off the simple things, ask yourself “What am I afraid of?” You may realize that you’re afraid to face test results or to finally hear what your intuition has been trying to tell you. Decide to cultivate a new habit: take action. Whether that’s finding a new job, writing that proposal or finally making that doctor’s appointment! If you need some support getting started, try a time-management matrix to help you organize your priorities. You can also ask a trusted friend or seek the support of a coach or therapist to help you get organized and stay on  track.
   
   

5. Check your worries - and treat your anxiety.  Worry is considering and  working through specific problems to find solutions. Fear of bombing a presentation at work is a worry that you could try to address with prep work. Worry is temporary and you experience it in your thoughts. Unchecked worries can contribute to anxiety - an overall sense of unease that may leap from one thing to another or be about nothing in particular. Fear of losing your job, getting sick and then growing old alone is anxiety. Anxiety lingers and you experience it in your body -- from restlessness to fatigue and muscle aches to difficulty concentrating or sleeping. If you find that your worries spiral or jump from one event to another over at least six months, and that relaxation strategies like deep breathing and meditation aren’t working, then you should talk with a professional who can help. The first step to dealing with anxiety is to acknowledge that you don’t have to be stressed out over things you can't control. 
   
   

6. Debunk limiting beliefs. Your mindset determines whether you view roadblocks as opportunities or obstacles. If you believe that roadblocks limit your ability, then you may need to work on shifting your perspective. Just because you choose to believe something doesn’t make it true. Start by challenging your beliefs: Ask yourself, “Where’s the evidence that I can’t make this happen?” Some beliefs may have been passed down in your family or may be the result of your experience and environment. Others may be related to internal issues, such as a lack of self-acceptance (an awareness and ability to accept yourself--flaws and all). Replace limiting beliefs with empowering beliefs. When a roadblock pops up, say to yourself, “I can figure this out. I can ask others for help if I need to. I have what I need - or can find what I need - to get through this.” If you’re feeling stuck, a counselor can help you identify limiting beliefs, address them and leave them behind.
   
   

   7. Don’t be afraid to try something new. Whether it’s volunteering with a local community group or signing up for that salsa class you’ve been eyeing, unless it’s a threat to your health and wellness, don’t let fear stop you from pursuing your interests and having fun. Showing up helps you stretch and grow, connecting with others and experimenting with new ways of being in the world. And you may find a new passion along the way. 
   
   

   8.  Sever “situationships.” A situationship is that strange, murky space between a-little-more-than-a-friendship and not-quite-in-a-relationship that a lot of women allow themselves to linger in. If this is OK by you, then fine. But I find that many clients are looking for a relationship and settling for a situationship. You pretend you’re cool with casual interactions and casual sex, while you wonder whether your friend/not-quite-boo will “get serious” someday. More than likely, they won’t because you’ve approved of the situation -- and your silence counts as approval. If you want a real relationship, say so. Your situationship may evaporate in the face of your demand, but that will allow you to focus your time, energy and efforts on finding someone who wants a relationship just as you do. Anything else is just a distraction. And distractions are so done this decade!
   
   

   9. Quit asking for permission. You don’t need permission to do anything that you want to do in your life! Now, if you’re in a relationship, then you should absolutely explore the financial and emotional impact your plans may have on your partner, so communication is crucial. But having a discussion on pursuing your goals is different from asking permission to do so. More often though, we seek permission or approval from people who have little impact on our lives -- other than the power we give them -- hello, social media! If likes matter to you more than living your life freely, it’s time to make a change. Don’t waste another year waiting for someone to tell you it’s OK to go for your dreams.

   
   
   Robin D. Stone is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Positive Psychology Associates in Manhattan. She is the author of No Secret, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal from Sexual Abuse and lead writer of the Essence book, The Black Women’s Guide to Healthy Living. She is developing an expressive arts wellness center in Harlem, New York. Learn more about Robin’s services and connect with her at robinstone.com

Setting limits isn’t limiting; it can set you free.

The holiday season can be “the most wonderful time of the year” -- a bright time for celebration and reflection, for connecting with family and friends, and for loving up on one another. It can also be a time of stress and funk if some family members didn’t get that “good tidings” memo, or if you just need some extra TLC. Either way, in addition to those beautifully wrapped presents, your holiday will be more joyful if you remember to bring this very important thing: boundaries!

When it comes to sharing space with family you don’t typically spend that much time with, or who still see you as the little girl you were 30 years ago, or who love to tell those embarrassing stories about you over and over again, healthy personal boundaries will help you bask in the holiday spirit. Simply put, personal boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves in relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say ‘no’ to others with ease, can check someone’s bullying or bad behavior, and can express their needs without feeling as if they are being selfish or demanding. By contrast, someone with rigid boundaries may avoid close relationships and have trouble asking for help, while someone with porous boundaries may overshare personal information, find it hard to say no and be all up in other people’s relationships and problems.

Boundaries aren’t a bad thing, or about being selfish or disrespectful. In fact, setting boundaries is a powerful, liberating act of self-care. In other words, setting limits can set you free. If you don’t set limits -- or guardrails -- for how you operate in your relationships, you will end up drifting into your zones of discomfort, leading to frustration, anger and self-blame. You may be too dependent on what loved ones think of you, or find yourself giving in to requests to “keep the peace” and not disappoint others. Boundaries are a way for you to stand in your power and decide what works for you and what doesn’t. Or, as Dr. Brene Brown says, “boundaries are simply what’s okay and what’s not okay.”

But it’s not always easy to hold boundaries firmly and express them confidently -- especially to those we love and respect. In the company of elders, that little girl in you may still feel the need to be extra deferential. Why? Because that little girl still wants approval and love. Nancy Levin, life coach, author of the upcoming book, Setting Boundaries Will Set You Free, and advocate for becoming what she calls a “boundary badass,” says we often don’t set boundaries at all, much less express them, because we’re afraid of how it might offend others. In an article for O magazine, Levin said, “It’s our fear that keeps us in the people-pleasing.”

This is especially true around the holiday season, when we may feel obligated to do things a certain way, feel a certain way, or express ourselves a certain way because of family, culture or traditions. But things can change, and you have the right to change them. As Dr. Brown wrote for Oprah.com, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”

Here are eight healthy ways to set boundaries, limit your stress and cultivate joy:

Say no. Hard stop. No is a powerful boundary and a complete sentence. Practice saying it and see how it feels: “No.” Although it may seem abrupt, there may be times that “No” is just what’s needed. If "No. Hard-stop." stresses you out, try option 2, below, to soften the delivery a bit.

Lead with “Unfortunately ...” This word can be super helpful in setting boundaries when you want to convey empathy but also reject a request. “Unfortunately ... ” lets you communicate your regret that you won’t meet the person’s expectations; but allows you to establish a boundary in a strong way. “Unfortunately, we can’t join you,” acknowledges and validates your potential host’s disappointment while ensuring that you clearly communicate your needs.

Make it clear. Nothing confuses things more than a fuzzy boundary. Statements like “I might not have time to make sweet potato tarts for the potluck,” or “I don’t know if I can bring them” leave room for expectations and negotiation. “Unfortunately I won’t be able to make them” leaves no room for misinterpretation.

Accept “no.” Let’s say a healthier lifestyle is important to you, and instead of sitting around stuffed and in a stupor after the holiday meal, you want to start a new tradition of taking a half-hour walk to get it in and strengthen family ties. You’d be in good company -- a New York Times article cited a study that showed a 20-minute walk shortly after dinner led to lower blood sugar levels in people with Type 2 diabetes than either a walk before dinner or no walking at all. And walk-and-talks can lead to healthier, happier connections. But instead of pressuring those who don’t want to join you, you can have and show healthy boundaries by accepting somebody else’s “No.” and keeping it moving.

Check in with yourself about meeting expectations. Ask yourself: how do I feel about being in this space, spending x amount of time with certain people, or meeting certain requests? Be honest. Does it align with your values? The answer will help you make a thoughtful decision about what’s best for you in the moment.

Say what you feel. Remember that feelings are usually one word, such as happy, sad, confused, uncomfortable, tired, bored, angry. And no, “some kind of way” is not a feeling. What’s the one word that best describes how you’re feeling? To set a clear boundary, say: “You know, Cousin, it really makes me uncomfortable when you say (or do)...” and then explain what it is they say or do. Stick to the facts, don’t project your criticism of their being rude or disrespectful, even if you feel that’s the case. Stating your feelings (sans criticism) creates a space for someone to hear their impact on you. Criticism will put them on defense.

“A person with healthy boundaries can say ‘no’ to others with ease, can check someone’s bullying or bad behavior, and can express their needs without feeling selfish or demanding.”

Say what you need. Once you’ve said what you feel, say, “please don’t do that anymore.” You can’t predict their response, but you know you’ve set your limits and told them not to cross them. If they ignore you, you can check them again, and if they keep at it, know that you can always leave, or ask them to leave.

Bring your adult self to the family party. That 12-year-old in you may want to be a good girl who never talks back and always does what she’s told, but it’s important to recognize that it’s your adult self attending the gathering. This helps set a new boundary for those who might still see you and treat you as if you haven’t aged in 30 years. The 12-year-old you may not feel comfortable suggesting something new or saying no, but the grownup you can’t leave that 12-year-old hanging. Remember who you are outside of your family dynamics. Bring that version of you to the party. That 12-year-old can let her take over, set healthy boundaries and find joy in the freedom they create.

Robin D. Stone is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Positive Psychology Associates in Manhattan. She is the author of No Secret, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal from Sexual Abuse and lead writer of the Essence book, The Black Women’s Guide to Healthy Living. Robin is currently developing an expressive arts wellness center in Harlem, New York. Learn more about Robin’s services and connect with her at robinstone.com.