The “angry Black woman” trope can be damaging to a Black woman’s psyche and your sense of self if you let it. But there are ways that your anger can inform and empower you. 

As the writer James Baldwin famously said in a 1961 radio interview when asked about being Black in America: “To be a Negro in this country and to be relatively conscious is to be in a state of rage almost all of the time — and in one's work. And part of the rage is this: It isn't only what is happening to you. But it's what's happening all around you and all of the time in the face of the most extraordinary and criminal indifference, indifference of most white people in this country, and their ignorance.”

Baldwin shared this observation nearly 60 years ago, but if you take inventory of the state of the world today -- in your life and in the broader society -- there’s still a lot to be angry about. It’s likely that you deal with persistent microaggressions in your professional and personal life, with  knowing that you are paid 38% less than white men and 21% less than white women even while you’re as qualified, and with experiencing repeated trauma from a newsfeed full of outrageous stories about the policing of Black bodies. Add to that the disproportionate impact of the COVID-19 virus on Black and Brown communities, and how could you not be angry?

Too many Black women feel they can’t acknowledge, much less express, their own anger for fear of being labeled an “angry Black woman.” But getting in touch with your anger could be just what you need to move through difficult experiences in your life.

As I recently wrote in an article for Sisters AARP, “anger is a part of a full range of emotions, and even though it’s a negative emotion (as are fear, anxiety and sadness), that doesn’t make it unhealthy. All emotions are useful because they convey information, and negative emotions help you recognize threats and respond to danger. So the question is, what is your anger telling you, and what can you do in response?”

Read on for the full article, You’re an Angry Black Woman? Own It. And learn how to put your anger to good use.

Resolution reset:

Drop the emotional baggage and let go of things that no longer serve you.

We are already ankle-deep into 2020, and at this point, some resolutions may be roadkill and you may need to revise or recommit to your goals. Many of us aspire to start fresh and establish healthy habits at the top of a new year -- our vision boards abound with exciting new adventures and attitude. But in order to succeed, we may need to break bad habits too. Think about it: What are some habits, beliefs, behaviors -- and maybe even people -- that don’t fit your life anymore? 

Here are some suggestions to help you drop emotional baggage and attachments that may have held you back in years past so you can pursue new goals in this new decade.

1. Give up the people-pleasing. Saying “yes” when you really mean “no” isn’t being nice or polite. It’s you not setting healthy boundaries. And not having healthy boundaries -- even with people you love -- can lead to stress, frustration and resentment because you’re sacrificing your needs to meet someone else’s. Express what you need or what you won’t tolerate. That might mean saying “no” to requests or expectations that you might have allowed in the past. Some folks may have a hard time accepting this new, boundary-having you; but if they want to be a part of your life in this new decade, they will have to adjust.
   
   

2. Let go of the one you won’t let get away. You know the pattern: You’ve been dating him or her off and on for a while, maybe even years. The two of you aren’t the best fit, and you keep saying you’re going to end the relationship for good this time; but you can’t seem to honor that commitment. Maybe there’s a part of you that believes that someone who is a better fit won’t come along. So Mr. Not-Quite-Right keeps recycling through your life, bringing yet another cycle of disappointment. If you’re in a relationship in which you don’t feel seen, heard and respected, it’s time to leave. It is worth the discomfort (and maybe the loneliness) of separating now so you can move on and enjoy a stronger relationship later.
   
   

3. Stop filling holes in your life with things (or people). When it comes to being fulfilled, self-love is the secret sauce. Overeating, overspending and overindulging in chaotic relationships can all be signs of using things and people to comfort yourself. Instead, you may need comfort that comes from rest, self-reflection, meditation and deepening your spiritual practice. Try journaling to explore your feelings, what’s missing, or how you want your life to be different. If you need additional support, seek a counselor or therapist.
   
   

4. Stop procrastinating. Big dreams can be scary, especially when they force you outside of your comfort zone. But procrastination can also bog down seemingly simple tasks on your to-do list (like that routine medical checkup). If you find you’re putting off the simple things, ask yourself “What am I afraid of?” You may realize that you’re afraid to face test results or to finally hear what your intuition has been trying to tell you. Decide to cultivate a new habit: take action. Whether that’s finding a new job, writing that proposal or finally making that doctor’s appointment! If you need some support getting started, try a time-management matrix to help you organize your priorities. You can also ask a trusted friend or seek the support of a coach or therapist to help you get organized and stay on  track.
   
   

5. Check your worries - and treat your anxiety.  Worry is considering and  working through specific problems to find solutions. Fear of bombing a presentation at work is a worry that you could try to address with prep work. Worry is temporary and you experience it in your thoughts. Unchecked worries can contribute to anxiety - an overall sense of unease that may leap from one thing to another or be about nothing in particular. Fear of losing your job, getting sick and then growing old alone is anxiety. Anxiety lingers and you experience it in your body -- from restlessness to fatigue and muscle aches to difficulty concentrating or sleeping. If you find that your worries spiral or jump from one event to another over at least six months, and that relaxation strategies like deep breathing and meditation aren’t working, then you should talk with a professional who can help. The first step to dealing with anxiety is to acknowledge that you don’t have to be stressed out over things you can't control. 
   
   

6. Debunk limiting beliefs. Your mindset determines whether you view roadblocks as opportunities or obstacles. If you believe that roadblocks limit your ability, then you may need to work on shifting your perspective. Just because you choose to believe something doesn’t make it true. Start by challenging your beliefs: Ask yourself, “Where’s the evidence that I can’t make this happen?” Some beliefs may have been passed down in your family or may be the result of your experience and environment. Others may be related to internal issues, such as a lack of self-acceptance (an awareness and ability to accept yourself--flaws and all). Replace limiting beliefs with empowering beliefs. When a roadblock pops up, say to yourself, “I can figure this out. I can ask others for help if I need to. I have what I need - or can find what I need - to get through this.” If you’re feeling stuck, a counselor can help you identify limiting beliefs, address them and leave them behind.
   
   

   7. Don’t be afraid to try something new. Whether it’s volunteering with a local community group or signing up for that salsa class you’ve been eyeing, unless it’s a threat to your health and wellness, don’t let fear stop you from pursuing your interests and having fun. Showing up helps you stretch and grow, connecting with others and experimenting with new ways of being in the world. And you may find a new passion along the way. 
   
   

   8.  Sever “situationships.” A situationship is that strange, murky space between a-little-more-than-a-friendship and not-quite-in-a-relationship that a lot of women allow themselves to linger in. If this is OK by you, then fine. But I find that many clients are looking for a relationship and settling for a situationship. You pretend you’re cool with casual interactions and casual sex, while you wonder whether your friend/not-quite-boo will “get serious” someday. More than likely, they won’t because you’ve approved of the situation -- and your silence counts as approval. If you want a real relationship, say so. Your situationship may evaporate in the face of your demand, but that will allow you to focus your time, energy and efforts on finding someone who wants a relationship just as you do. Anything else is just a distraction. And distractions are so done this decade!
   
   

   9. Quit asking for permission. You don’t need permission to do anything that you want to do in your life! Now, if you’re in a relationship, then you should absolutely explore the financial and emotional impact your plans may have on your partner, so communication is crucial. But having a discussion on pursuing your goals is different from asking permission to do so. More often though, we seek permission or approval from people who have little impact on our lives -- other than the power we give them -- hello, social media! If likes matter to you more than living your life freely, it’s time to make a change. Don’t waste another year waiting for someone to tell you it’s OK to go for your dreams.

   
   
   Robin D. Stone is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Positive Psychology Associates in Manhattan. She is the author of No Secret, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal from Sexual Abuse and lead writer of the Essence book, The Black Women’s Guide to Healthy Living. She is developing an expressive arts wellness center in Harlem, New York. Learn more about Robin’s services and connect with her at robinstone.com