Every February, Valentine’s Day serves as a reminder to let our romantic partners know we care about them and just how important they are to us. We might pick up a corny greeting card, box of chocolates, or plan a special dinner date out. But what if we took it a step further and used this opportunity to be more intentional and make a commitment to deepen our relationship? 

Even if you are content with your partnership, you can easily fall into routines or patterns and let your relationship coast on auto-pilot. If you have children or demanding jobs, finding quality time to spend together can be especially hard. Sex may be good but infrequent at best. Regardless of how long you’ve been together, it’s worth the effort to make your relationship just that much juicier.

How to get started? Experts at the Gottman Institute have spent decades studying married couples to uncover the secrets to happy, healthy relationships. They use the metaphor of a “Sound Relationship House” to describe scientifically proven foundational building blocks for sturdy, lasting bonds. I’d like to focus on three of the principles they have identified that you can adopt to strengthen your relationship starting today.

The following are tried-and-true ways to reconnect with your partner and keep the passion of your relationship alive and thriving.

Express Fondness and Appreciation. Yes, you love and respect your partner, but how often do you let them know? Don’t assume they can read your mind or that they already know. They need to hear it. If your partner always takes responsibility for certain chores or fixing things around the house, acknowledge that by saying something like: “I really appreciate how you ______ (fill in the specific act that they do). I love how you take care of us.” Maybe your boo volunteers or makes a point of donating time or money to those in need. You could say, “I really admire how you look out for our community.” 

The point is to identify what you appreciate about your partner and vocalize it, connecting the behavior to its impact on you and others. You could make a goal of expressing your fondness at least once per day. This practice will not only make your partner feel good, it keeps you focused on the positive, which can help sustain your partnership in times of conflict or stress. 

Turn Toward. Your partner might reach out for attention or comfort, verbally or through unspoken body language. For example, they might unexpectedly grab your hand or share a detail about their day. That is what the Gottmans refer to as a “bid” for connection or support. It’s key to stay tuned to those bids and to turn toward your partner in response, i.e., receive and squeeze their hand or say something like, “Really? Tell me more about that.” 

When you make the commitment to turn toward your partner rather than ignore their signals or reject them, you communicate that you are open and receptive to their needs. If your partner tells you about something that happened to them at work or about a goal they reached, it’s time to put down the phone, turn off the TV, and give them your full, undivided attention. You can reinforce this by physically turning toward your partner and making eye contact. Here’s your opportunity to listen and make your loved one know you hear them. If your partner is troubled, you can validate their feelings by saying, “That sounds hard” or “I’m sorry you’re so frustrated by what happened.” No need to solve the problem; just empathize. This habit will encourage your partner to respond in kind when you are seeking support or acknowledgement. 

Positive Regard. Expressing fondness and turning toward your partner are building blocks of positive regard. By deciding to accentuate the positive about your partner, you focus your attention on their good qualities and contributions to the relationship rather than on the negative. It’s easy to notice what they didn’t do or to criticize this thing or that, but a negative perspective only undermines your bond. While as human beings, we may be wired to look for what’s wrong to protect ourselves, we can’t let that tendency drown out the good. 

Developing positive regard for your partner is not a passive step but an active effort. What do you appreciate and admire most about your partner? Make a point of bringing those characteristics or behaviors into focus. Let the small stuff slide and give your partner the benefit of the doubt if they make a mistake. This principle will fill the well of positivity that you can rely on when conflicts arise. It can also create a culture of positivity in the relationship that benefits you too.

These principles may seem deceptively simple but they are effective techniques for building strong, lasting relationships. I often assign clients homework of expressing positive regard at least once a day, and we can quickly see how that creates a shift in their behavior and feelings toward each other. Put them into practice in addition to buying that box of chocolates (dark chocolate, please). 

If you and your partner are interested in learning three powerful ways to make love last, attend my upcoming workshop, "Heartsongs" for couples only on February 25th. We'll use literature and lyrics to help you deepen your intimacy, connect with compassion and more.

As we settle into this new year, we’re facing a lot of uncertainty, including ongoing COVID drama and trauma, debates over whether to vax or not to vax, and rethinking how we work and live. As a result, our collective mental health continues to suffer.

While it’s understandable that you might feel anxious or down, knowing how your thoughts can affect how you feel can help you shift from unhealthy, negative emotions to a place of more flexibility and ease. The benefit of shifting? You’ll build coping skills that can sustain you through hard times – whether it’s divisions over COVID, riffs in your family, or challenges at work.

For example, insisting that something must happen in a certain way or someone needs to behave a certain way could lead you to feel anxious, hurt, and rageful – unhealthy negative emotions that can lead to self-defeating behaviors like avoidance or procrastination. That way of thinking is a reflection of being rigid and fixed. Knowing that life doesn’t always deliver what you expect or people don’t always behave the way you want them will help you be more flexible and engage healthy, negative emotions like disappointment, concern, and anger. (Yes, anger can be healthy – and helpful. As Audre Lorde tells us, it’s full of information.)

Instead of thinking something should happen, try thinking, “It would be great if I aced my presentation … but it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I don’t.” Or, “I want my parent or friend to apologize for an insensitive remark, but I recognize that they may not.” This allows you to get to a place of acceptance (while still speaking up – note that acceptance doesn’t mean that you sacrifice your values or become a doormat).

This technique is a part of REBT or Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy – a framework rooted in philosophy and focused on perspective. REBT assumes you are a goal-oriented individual and supports you in reaching your goals. It leads you to check in with yourself, challenge negative thoughts and consider other ways of seeing situations. It’s not about what happened to you, it’s about how you perceive it that matters. And changing your perception can change how you feel.

Life is full of uncertainty, and this time is particularly challenging. Even our new norms will continue to be disrupted. Managing your expectations and shifting your perspective will help you to navigate uncertainty and be flexible, adaptable, and resilient in hard times. 

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I’ve been hearing a lot of talk lately about people — Black women especially — “protecting my peace” or “protecting my energy.”  What they mean is to set healthy boundaries and to intentionally cultivate joy. They’re able to say, “this doesn’t feel good to me,” to walk away and to make a change in order to preserve their mental wellness.

Tennis superstar Naomi Osaka recently quit the French Open to care for her mental health after being fined and threatened with disqualification for not wanting to speak with the press. “I do hope that people can relate and understand it’s O.K. to not be O.K., and it’s O.K. to talk about it,“ she wrote in Time. And tennis superstar Venus Williams unapologetically told the media how she protects her peace by keeping in mind that she is the one who is the champ, not the people who write about her. In fact, she told them, they can’t hold a candle to her. 

There are songs about protecting your energy, like Jhene Aiko’s “Trigger Protection Mantra,” which is intended to calm you down when you’re feeling upset, and Mary J. Blige’s classic “No More Drama,” where she sings passionately about cutting off toxic relationships. 

On a personal level, some of my friends talk about how they took up hobbies like cooking or journaling through the pandemic because it put them in a positive and peaceful space. One colleague, Shawnee Benton Gibson, has done a lot of transformational work around how stressors in life can affect Black women’s health. She talks about how high vibrations leave you feeling uplifted and contribute to your happiness, while low vibrations can contribute to sadness and distress. 

Toughing out situations that aren’t beneficial to our mental health used to be seen as a measure of strength. But these days many of us recognize the changes we need to make in how we respond to life’s curveballs. Plus, responding to the pandemic in the last year or so led many of us to reflect on what really matters in life, and what no longer serves us. Many people are rethinking how they move through the world, and how they show up for themselves and for others.

This re-evaluation of values and priorities is leading us to search for better-paying, more fulfilling work at places where our contributions and presence and presence of mind are valued. We’re scheduling time in nature, and time to rest and restore. We’re finding support to help us move through profound losses and change, and we’re finding accountability partners and no longer spending time with people who traffic in negativity. The person who is always complaining about stuff but never has solutions? She’s sitting off somewhere on the sidelines of our game.

Zora Neale Hurston wrote in her empowering 1937 novel, Their Eyes Were Watching God: “Black women are the mules of the world. They carry the load that white men, white women, and Black men refuse to carry; they do the work no one wants to do, without praise or thanks.” 

We’re finally putting those days behind us. 

Take a moment to journal about what might need to change in your life and what action you need to take to change it in order to protect your peace. Pick up hobbies that bring you joy, or as Sister Shawnee might say, “raise your vibration.” Listen to music that lifts your mood, and most importantly, set your boundaries and remain firm in your intentions so that you can lead a positive and more fulfilled life. Protecting your energy isn’t just a saying; it’s a way of being.

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After more than a year of staying home, masked up, and vigilant about keeping distant in the coronavirus pandemic, vaccines have brought some hope that we can safely return to near-normal pre-pandemic activities. While that’s great news, not everybody is ready to re-emerge and reconnect just yet. In fact, looser mask mandates and social distancing restrictions can cause a great deal of anxiety for some. 

If you can relate, you are not alone. Let’s talk about what might contribute to your unease about resuming activities you once did before the pandemic started, and explore ways for you to get back to living your life more fully.

 Restaurants, theaters, and other venues are returning to full capacity, and some businesses are calling employees back to work in-office, but the virus is still out there among us. Yes, vaccinated people have a very low chance of developing severe disease, hospitalization and death, according to the CDC. But the World Health Organization says we’re not out of the woods just yet. Some countries still don’t have access to vaccines and infections continue to rise, vaccines are not yet approved for children under 12, we don’t know how long immunity lasts after receiving a vaccine, and we don’t know what may happen with variants down the line. 

That’s a lot of uncertainty to navigate, and our brains don’t like uncertainty because it makes us feel unsafe. So it’s understandable if you want to be cautious about how you emerge – or if you’re not ready to emerge at all just yet. The best way to move forward is to do what makes you feel most comfortable. 

 Here are four questions to ask yourself about how to re-enter society safely. 

What do I need to feel safe?

It’s OK to ask about safety precautions before you enter any space. If you’re invited to someone’s home, ask if masks will be worn and/or whether all guests must be vaccinated in order to attend. Determine if the gathering will be outdoors instead or inside. If you don’t like the answers, don’t go, and don’t feel any guilt about it. 

What are my boundaries for interacting? 

How you feel about emerging might be different from what other people are feeling. Just because some vaccinated folks are going around maskless and hugging cheek-to-cheek doesn’t mean you’re obligated to be maskless and drop your elbow-bump greeting. Don’t feel pressured to go along; listen to your instincts and go at your own pace.

What needs to change about the way I work?

Your company might soon require vaccinations, but even so, you still might not feel safe working in an enclosed space with others. Or you may have enjoyed and want to keep your newfound flexibility from working from home. You might not be able to dictate what happens at work, but keep in mind that a lot of companies are either going all remote or adopting hybrid models. It could be time to look for a job with protocols that you’re more comfortable with. (Or maybe you’re rethinking the type of work that you do altogether, as many seem to be doing.)

How can I still have fun? 

Think about ways to find the most joy in whatever you’re doing.  For some of us, social distance meant emotional distance, so as it warms up in much of the country, this is a great time to grab your girlfriend, your boo, or your kids and get outside as much as you can. Nature walks, girl trekking, dining outdoors, spreading out on the beach, or spending time in your local park are all great warm-weather options.

Whatever you do, consider what feels right to you, give yourself grace and reemerge in our own way.  

Credit: mimagephotography for Canva

Guest blog post by Melissa Saenz

With spring in full gear and vaccines offering a measure of protection, many Americans are emerging from months of COVID-mandated sequestering. And it’s not a moment too soon, as so many people have complained about having “cabin fever.”

Cabin fever is defined as feelings of restless and irritability caused by being in a confined space. In the early days of the coronavirus pandemic, many high-risk states issued stay-in orders, which required people to remain at home to minimize the spread of the disease. Those orders affected me personally, making me feel restless and impatient. Other symptoms include difficulty concentrating, and feelings of inadequacy from struggles to keep up with daily or weekly schedules. Some also saw an increase of alcohol consumption, and changes in diet and eating habits. 

We all had to figure out how to adapt to this major stressor or face hopelessness and burnout. The Hans Selye General Adaptation Syndrome has three phases to explain what the body goes through when experiencing a stressor such as the pandemic: 1) Alarm Reaction: the heart rate increases, cortisol and adrenalin surges, leading to a temporary state of shock and a flight-or-fight response. 2) Resistance, in which the body copes with a stressful event and the heart rate and blood pressure begin to level off. If the stressor remains, the body adjusts, maintaining a state of high alert. 3 Exhaustion: struggling with prolonged stress can sap your physical, emotional, and mental resources, leaving you with no ability to cope and setting you up for anxiety, depression, and a weakened immune system.

There are several ways to overcome Cabin Fever. Keep these handy when cooler weather returns and if COVID is still stalking us:

Keep a routine – and stick to it. A routine adds structure to your days, supports a healthy diet, exercise, and sleep habits, and helps you stay focused on personal and work goals.  

Maintain social ties— Keeping connected to friends and loved ones help you feel less isolated and have someone to share your experiences with. 

Move your body – and get outdoors if it’s safe. As a dedicated runner, I make a point to keep going even in the cold. Movement boosts your feel-good hormones, and being out in nature creates a sense of well-being. 

Get creative— I started a hobby of making playlists featuring powerful women such as the Peruvian singer Reneta Flores (who sings in both Quechua and Spanish), Lizzo, who sings about body positivity, and Beyonce, who’s all about female empowerment. This dynamic female energy helped me get through the worst of my cabin fever, and it’s ready to support me if I need it again.

Melissa, an Advanced Clinical Intern at my practice, is a Mental Health Counseling graduate student at Hunter College in New York City. Running outdoors is one way she beats cabin fever.

Sources: 

Blackman, J. S. (2020). A psychoanalytic view of reactions to the coronavirus pandemic In china*. The American Journal of Psychoanalysis, 80(2), 119-132. doi:10.1057/s11231-020-09248-w

Brito, J. (2020, June 9). What to know about cabin fever. Retrieved February 16, 2021, from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/cabin-fever#signs

Jurblum, M., & Ng, C. H. (2020, December). Psychological consequences of social isolation and quarantine. Retrieved March 01, 2021, from https://www1.racgp.org.au/ajgp/2020/december/psychological-consequences-of-social-isolation-and

How Therapy Can Be More Than Talking

Today, more people are making psychotherapy a part of their self-care practice. In the same way they have personal trainers, they are investing in therapists -- and that’s a good thing. The benefits of therapy are vast, including having an objective perspective on happenings in your life, a sounding board for you to talk through options before taking action, a place where you can deepen self-awareness, access resources to support your growth and personal development, and much more. 

But you may cringe at the idea of being up in an office talking through your feelings, and I get it! Sometimes, the couch may not be what you need at the time. Sometimes, you simply need to get out and about or explore your experiences in ways where words alone won’t do. 

As a psychotherapist, I help clients get in touch with their emotions and change negative thinking and problematic behavior.  I’ll sometimes encourage writing, moving, drawing, getting sunshine and even deep breathing as a way to explore and express feelings, develop coping and relaxation strategies, support healthy relationships and manage conflicts. 

When it comes to therapy, talking it through isn’t the only solution. Here are ten ways to get off the couch and still find transformation and healing. While not all are therapy in the clinical sense, all can be therapeutic.

Move your body. 

Dancing around the kitchen to your favorite Beyoncé song can certainly be fun (been there, done that!), but there are many more benefits to moving than exercise and a good time. Dance and movement help you connect with your body and contribute to your brain’s health. Science shows that the mental benefits include improved memory and strengthened neural connections. Dance and movement therapy helps address issues such as poor self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and traumatic stress. In an article exploring dance and movement therapy in Scientific American magazine, Columbia University neuroscientist John Krakauer called synchronizing music and movement a “pleasure double play” because music stimulates the brain’s reward centers, while dance activates its “sensory and motor circuits.” To find a dance movement therapist, try the American Dance Therapy Association. 

Take a hike.

Because it tends to be a little bit more challenging than a casual stroll through the park, hiking can give you a cardiovascular boost as well. A Harvard University article noted that hiking -- especially on uneven terrain -- can engage your core and enhance your balance while relieving stress as well.  

Get artsy.

Regardless of whether you consider yourself creative, making art makes for potent therapy. A Michigan State University article describes the benefits of art therapy for people of all ages, suggesting that it helps “tap into your inner thoughts, feelings and experiences through creative expression.” When combined with talk therapy, the article explains, art therapy can “help people deal with strong emotions, increase self-awareness and self-worth and decrease stress and anxiety.” Art therapy can include drawing, painting, coloring, sculpting and more. To find an art therapist near you, visit the American Art Therapy Association’s therapist locator.

Go outside and play.

Go Green: Enjoy the benefits of green spaces. (Image: Nappy.co)

In New York City, we have the benefit of living and working among oases of green spaces. These beautiful parks -- including Manhattan’s sprawling Central Park -- were designed to provide relief and a sense of escape for the teeming masses living in close quarters and among dense buildings. Occasionally I’ve met clients in a park near my office, and the change in setting made a big difference in our dynamic and their mood. It’s not surprising: CNN recently cited a study of 20,000 people in England that showed that spending time in nature or green spaces can benefit your health and well-being. Even as little as 15 minutes in nature is said to help reduce stress and anxiety, boost happiness and help with memory loss. 

Sing a song.

You may not be America’s next idol, but belting out your favorite song, even if off-key, can often be a great stress reliever. Up the fun quotient and meet a few friends for karaoke, where you can vibe with the music and be silly without judgment. In that vein, music therapy -- engaging music to accomplish goals within a therapeutic relationship -- can be a powerful option to consider. And you don’t need a musical background to experience the benefits of music therapy: a certified music therapist will design a program that’s suited for you. Find a music therapist through the American Music Therapy Association at https://www.musictherapy.org/about/find/.

Get to the beach. 

Sight, sound, smell -- the ocean stimulates many of your senses and can help you to relax. This NBC news story explores the notion that simply lying on a towel on the beach and just listening to the sound of waves washing onto shore can soothe you. The article notes that a study in the American Association for the Advancement of Science found that even the ocean’s blue hue can boost your mood and enhance creativity. Skeptics might say that the beach is relaxing because we’ve been conditioned to think so, but if it works, it works!

Work it out. 

Get Moving! Boosting your heart rate helps you feel great!

We know that regular exercise benefits your body, but rigorous movement boosts your brain as well. Working up a sweat not only releases endorphins -- nature’s feel-good hormone (as in “runner’s high”) -- but it also promotes better memory and thinking skills. A good aerobic workout can include anything that gets your heart rate up -- from Zumba to bicycling to swimming to a 30-minute do-it-yourself boot camp in the comfort of your living room. 

Write it out.

Creative writing and poetry can act as a buffer, providing a safe distance to explore difficult or distressing parts of your life. Many people in creative endeavors swear by Morning Pages, a daily exercise that is the cornerstone of Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way, a guide to restoring or enhancing creativity.  You write longhand - nonstop and no edits - filling three pages. In her book The Soul of the Full Length Manuscript, novelist and expressive arts expert Zelda Lockhart encourages us to dive into detail “to express joy, complacency or satisfaction with as much fervor as we have learned in our lives to express pain.” Some therapists are specially trained to guide you in writing, offering prompts and excerpts to help you safely explore areas of your life and process the writing you produce. The International Federation for Biblio/Poetry Therapy lists credentialed professionals who can facilitate writing as therapy. 

Act it out.

Of course you want to have as little drama in your life as possible. But drama therapy can prove helpful as an alternative or addition to talk therapy. In drama therapy, you might use theater games, storytelling, and enactment to help cope with grief and loss, isolation and conflict. As the North American Drama Therapy Association  explains, drama therapy can also promote positive changes in mood, insight and empathy and facilitate healthy relationships. Check out their listing of drama therapists.

Breathe with intention. 

Breathing with thoughtful intention can promote calm and ease, cultivate mindfulness, and help you become more grounded and aware of bodily sensations. Breath is often overlooked, but is an important part of working through distressing experiences and making change. And whenever you exhale for longer than you inhale, you automatically engage your parasympathetic nervous system, which tells your body to rest, and counteract your sympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for your fight-or-flight response. Try this technique adapted from The Healing Power of the Breath by Drs. Richard P. Brown and Patricia L. Gerbarg: Slowly inhale for four counts, hold for four counts, slowly exhale for six counts, hold for two counts. Repeat a few times and note what you feel in your body.  

Robin D. Stone is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Positive Psychology Associates in Manhattan. She is the author of No Secret, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal from Sexual Abuse and lead writer of the Essence book, The Black Women’s Guide to Healthy Living. Robin is currently developing an expressive arts wellness center in Harlem, New York. Learn more about Robin’s services and connect with her at robinstone.com