Setting limits isn’t limiting; it can set you free.

The holiday season can be “the most wonderful time of the year” -- a bright time for celebration and reflection, for connecting with family and friends, and for loving up on one another. It can also be a time of stress and funk if some family members didn’t get that “good tidings” memo, or if you just need some extra TLC. Either way, in addition to those beautifully wrapped presents, your holiday will be more joyful if you remember to bring this very important thing: boundaries!

When it comes to sharing space with family you don’t typically spend that much time with, or who still see you as the little girl you were 30 years ago, or who love to tell those embarrassing stories about you over and over again, healthy personal boundaries will help you bask in the holiday spirit. Simply put, personal boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves in relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say ‘no’ to others with ease, can check someone’s bullying or bad behavior, and can express their needs without feeling as if they are being selfish or demanding. By contrast, someone with rigid boundaries may avoid close relationships and have trouble asking for help, while someone with porous boundaries may overshare personal information, find it hard to say no and be all up in other people’s relationships and problems.

Boundaries aren’t a bad thing, or about being selfish or disrespectful. In fact, setting boundaries is a powerful, liberating act of self-care. In other words, setting limits can set you free. If you don’t set limits -- or guardrails -- for how you operate in your relationships, you will end up drifting into your zones of discomfort, leading to frustration, anger and self-blame. You may be too dependent on what loved ones think of you, or find yourself giving in to requests to “keep the peace” and not disappoint others. Boundaries are a way for you to stand in your power and decide what works for you and what doesn’t. Or, as Dr. Brene Brown says, “boundaries are simply what’s okay and what’s not okay.”

But it’s not always easy to hold boundaries firmly and express them confidently -- especially to those we love and respect. In the company of elders, that little girl in you may still feel the need to be extra deferential. Why? Because that little girl still wants approval and love. Nancy Levin, life coach, author of the upcoming book, Setting Boundaries Will Set You Free, and advocate for becoming what she calls a “boundary badass,” says we often don’t set boundaries at all, much less express them, because we’re afraid of how it might offend others. In an article for O magazine, Levin said, “It’s our fear that keeps us in the people-pleasing.”

This is especially true around the holiday season, when we may feel obligated to do things a certain way, feel a certain way, or express ourselves a certain way because of family, culture or traditions. But things can change, and you have the right to change them. As Dr. Brown wrote for Oprah.com, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”

Here are eight healthy ways to set boundaries, limit your stress and cultivate joy:

Say no. Hard stop. No is a powerful boundary and a complete sentence. Practice saying it and see how it feels: “No.” Although it may seem abrupt, there may be times that “No” is just what’s needed. If "No. Hard-stop." stresses you out, try option 2, below, to soften the delivery a bit.

Lead with “Unfortunately ...” This word can be super helpful in setting boundaries when you want to convey empathy but also reject a request. “Unfortunately ... ” lets you communicate your regret that you won’t meet the person’s expectations; but allows you to establish a boundary in a strong way. “Unfortunately, we can’t join you,” acknowledges and validates your potential host’s disappointment while ensuring that you clearly communicate your needs.

Make it clear. Nothing confuses things more than a fuzzy boundary. Statements like “I might not have time to make sweet potato tarts for the potluck,” or “I don’t know if I can bring them” leave room for expectations and negotiation. “Unfortunately I won’t be able to make them” leaves no room for misinterpretation.

Accept “no.” Let’s say a healthier lifestyle is important to you, and instead of sitting around stuffed and in a stupor after the holiday meal, you want to start a new tradition of taking a half-hour walk to get it in and strengthen family ties. You’d be in good company -- a New York Times article cited a study that showed a 20-minute walk shortly after dinner led to lower blood sugar levels in people with Type 2 diabetes than either a walk before dinner or no walking at all. And walk-and-talks can lead to healthier, happier connections. But instead of pressuring those who don’t want to join you, you can have and show healthy boundaries by accepting somebody else’s “No.” and keeping it moving.

Check in with yourself about meeting expectations. Ask yourself: how do I feel about being in this space, spending x amount of time with certain people, or meeting certain requests? Be honest. Does it align with your values? The answer will help you make a thoughtful decision about what’s best for you in the moment.

Say what you feel. Remember that feelings are usually one word, such as happy, sad, confused, uncomfortable, tired, bored, angry. And no, “some kind of way” is not a feeling. What’s the one word that best describes how you’re feeling? To set a clear boundary, say: “You know, Cousin, it really makes me uncomfortable when you say (or do)...” and then explain what it is they say or do. Stick to the facts, don’t project your criticism of their being rude or disrespectful, even if you feel that’s the case. Stating your feelings (sans criticism) creates a space for someone to hear their impact on you. Criticism will put them on defense.

“A person with healthy boundaries can say ‘no’ to others with ease, can check someone’s bullying or bad behavior, and can express their needs without feeling selfish or demanding.”

Say what you need. Once you’ve said what you feel, say, “please don’t do that anymore.” You can’t predict their response, but you know you’ve set your limits and told them not to cross them. If they ignore you, you can check them again, and if they keep at it, know that you can always leave, or ask them to leave.

Bring your adult self to the family party. That 12-year-old in you may want to be a good girl who never talks back and always does what she’s told, but it’s important to recognize that it’s your adult self attending the gathering. This helps set a new boundary for those who might still see you and treat you as if you haven’t aged in 30 years. The 12-year-old you may not feel comfortable suggesting something new or saying no, but the grownup you can’t leave that 12-year-old hanging. Remember who you are outside of your family dynamics. Bring that version of you to the party. That 12-year-old can let her take over, set healthy boundaries and find joy in the freedom they create.

Robin D. Stone is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Positive Psychology Associates in Manhattan. She is the author of No Secret, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal from Sexual Abuse and lead writer of the Essence book, The Black Women’s Guide to Healthy Living. Robin is currently developing an expressive arts wellness center in Harlem, New York. Learn more about Robin’s services and connect with her at robinstone.com.

In blogs past I’ve written about the perils of eating wheat for some of us; how the protein gluten that’s found in wheat can lead to painful intestinal trouble and autoimmune problems as well as sluggishness and belly bulges. So if the coming holiday season inspires you to contribute something homemade and sweet to the table, here are a few alternatives to traditional pie crusts. 

Pre-packaged mixes:

William Sonoma featuring Cup4Cup, the highly praised flour blend created by a chef as a substitute for regular flour

Namaste, for biscuits and pie crust and other stuff too

Bob's Red Mill for sweet or savory crusts

Do It Yourself:

A recipe to make a piecrust from scratch 

It’s holiday time, and with the family gatherings, the mistletoe and hot toddies come temptations to eat and drink to excess. We all look forward to the festivities, but if you’re not careful, those joyous holiday gatherings can be diet disasters waiting to happen. Here’s a plan of action that makes it easy to enjoy the get-togethers and goodies without piling on the pounds.   

1. Make Time to Move  
 

• Schedule in a workout – for everybody. Suggest a new family holiday tradition: taking a walk together after your holiday meal to burn some calories and “make room” for dessert. Or crank up the iPod and get everybody dancing down the “Soul Train” line. Combining family time with exercise will give you a chance to bond and give you a break from the holiday fuss. Build snowmen, shoot some hoops, go ice skating, even rake up some leaves.
• Dust off your home gym. You may be too busy to get to the gym, but you can work that stationery bike or treadmill while watching the morning news.
• If you’re traveling, take your workout with you. Pack light stretch bands and a favorite exercise DVD and put them to use!                 

2. Don’t Skip Healthy Snacks and Meals Before Parties

Starving yourself before you go out won’t help you mind your portions. If you step up to a buffet and you’re famished, chances are you’re going to eat too much. Make sure to eat a light but satisfying midday lunch, and before you head for the party, take the edge off your hunger with a snack like a handful of nuts or a piece of fruit.


3. Only Eat What You Really Like

Be a food snob! You don’t have to sample everything on the buffet. If you don't love something, don’t even bother tasting it. Check out the spread for foods and flavors you adore and skip what you can have anytime. Indulge in your holiday favorites, then find a seat, take your time, and savor every mouthful. 


4. Choose Wine Over Mixed Drinks

Wine has substantially fewer calories compared with other alcoholic beverages. Wine weighs in at about 125 calories, as opposed to vodka and tonic (165 calories) or eggnog (320 calories).


5. Alternate Alcohol With Water

Since alcoholic drinks are loaded with calories, try alternating each drink with water or seltzer. You’ll save calories - and stay grounded!


6. Get Enough Sleep

With all the shopping, the cooking and taking care of guests, sleep gets shoved to the back burner. A lack of shut-eye can do more than compromise your skin and appearance. It has been linked with a higher incidence of obesity, hypertension, and other metabolic disorders. Sleep-deprived folks also exhibit higher levels of ghrelin, a hormone that stimulates appetite.


7. Socialize Instead of Eating

Don’t stand around the food table when you’re at a party. Focus your energy on spending time with family and friends instead of raiding the buffet and bar!


8. Bring your own dish

I have a friend who is allergic to wheat and dairy. If she eats just a bit of cheese or bread she ends up in digestive despair. Whenever we go to a dinner party, she brings her own dish. She even brings a plastic sandwich bag to restaurants with rice crackers or rice bread. If you bring your own food, you’ll have just what you need to indulge worry-free.

I look forward to summer holidays because they remind me of family gatherings back home in Detroit. And of course at the centerpiece of every family gathering is food. 

Whether it was for a house party or a picnic in the park, summer meant aunts and uncles and cousins showcasing their special dishes, all made with love: we’d have potato salad, macaroni salad, greens, baked beans, often a seven-layer salad, a pound cake, a pie (with vanilla ice cream, of course), barbecued ribs, chicken, steak and burgers, and my favorite, hot dogs. I loved hot dogs so much that I would bypass all other meats glistening in barbecue sauce (fresh lemon juice and onions made it tangy, sweet and pungent all at the same time) and make a bee-line for the franks. I took mine smothered in sauce and topped with mustard and relish, in a soft, spongy bun. No matter what else he was “burnin’,” one of my uncles, aka the Grill Master, would make sure to throw some dogs on just for me. 

Times have definitely changed – I can’t remember the last time I’ve eaten pork or beef, and haven’t had a hot dog in some years. I didn’t wake up one day and swear off meat, but over time, as I gravitated toward cleaner eating with more fruit veggies on my plate, my taste buds changed. A client asked recently, “You mean you never crave a hamburger?” “Never,” I responded. And I meant it. 

But this Memorial weekend, home was calling – maybe it was knowing that my little sister was in Detroit visiting the fam while I stayed put in NYC. So I decided to inaugurate summer with an homage to home. 

I’ll grill anything – I once made a shrimp-veggie stir-fry over charcoal. During a power outage some years ago, to my son’s delight, I grilled his pancakes. Yesterday I grilled chicken, turkey burgers, turkey chipotle sausage, and yes, turkey hot dogs. Once all the meat was done, I threw on some corn on the cob – after opening each ear slightly, removing some of the silk, and soaking in water about 15 minutes. Nothing says summer like fresh grilled corn. I made a potato salad, some veggie-baked beans and a green salad. I finished it all off with an apple pie. 

We’re usually a super-healthy food zone. My kids (my 15-year-pld son and my 22-year-old niece who lives with us – and therefore, at least temporarily, is my kid) often tease that the foods I prepare are too healthy for their tastes. “Mom, why don’t we eat like normal people?” My son often asks. I’m known for fruit smoothies for breakfast and hearty salads with salmon or shrimp for lunch, and I’d much rather “oven-fry” my chicken than pan fry it. But the kids usually eat everything I make and even concede that it’s pretty good. 

Every once in a while, though, I loosen my apron strings and reach for the foods that tug at my heart strings. It’s good to recognize how our emotions (from boredom to sadness to a longing for the good old days) often drive our cravings for some foods. Once we’re mindful of powerful mood-food connections, we can find healthy ways to go with, and not fight those cravings. 

Our menu this weekend was full of forbidden stuff for many who are counting calories, sugar and fat grams. But unless you’re on a medically restrictive plan, if you eat healthy and clean at least 90 percent of the time, it’s OK to splurge the other 10 percent of the time. Just don’t try to fool yourself into thinking that 50 percent is 10 percent – your waistband will be your reality check. 

This weekend we feasted (the leftovers are just as grand), and the kids were quite content. I’ll freeze some for quick and easy meals later. Soon enough the dogs will be gone and we’ll be back to 90 percent. But for the moment, we’ll enjoy this first taste of summer, and special taste of home. 

Have a Healthy Day, 
Robin