Common Signs and 5 Ways to Put Yourself First

Imagine this:  At work, you are “volun-told” to serve on a social justice committee. While you like the idea of being involved, your plate is full and you know it will not help you in terms of performance reviews or advancement. But ultimately, you say yes, and grudgingly add committee meetings to your calendar.

Or there’s this: A micromanaging relative calls and says she is planning to visit you for the holidays. You were planning a quiet holiday with your nuclear family. But you don’t want to insult or disappoint so you acquiesce and your Thanksgiving becomes her Thanksgiving. 

If one or both of these situations sound familiar, you may be a people pleaser. Instead of saying no to things you really don’t want to do, you say yes and silently seethe about it. It seems easier to maintain the peace but you’re often left feeling resentful and drained.

While it’s reasonable to want to be a team player at work or be responsive to family members, you have to do anything at your own expense. People pleasers say yes in part because they worry about what others think about them and don’t want to ruffle feathers. They may even get overly involved in the problems of others and try to fix everything. For that reason, they become the go-to person at work or in the family despite being exhausted and overwhelmed.

How does one become a people pleaser? Most likely, it is learned behavior from childhood. If you grew up in a family where you were not allowed a voice, you may have learned to stay quiet to avoid hard consequences. If your household was full of chaos, you may have tried to be the peacekeeper or simply retreated to your room.

If you grew up with a sibling or other relative who had emotional or physical challenges, you may have been a caregiver. Or you may have had a needy parent who expected you to take care of them rather than the other way around. Those survival skills you learned years ago may have become your default in adulthood. 

Think back to how you responded when there was conflict at home. What did you feel and where did you feel it in your body? Conflict today can bring up those same feelings from years ago.

Beyond your family, if you experienced racism early or later in life, you may have also learned to people-please by suppressing your identity in the presence of White people. You might code switch at work or tolerate microaggressions just to fit in.

To help determine if you’re a people pleaser, consider these questions:

• Do I often replay in my head a conversation or interaction and regret not speaking up or saying something different?

• Do I feel afraid to disappoint in certain situations, like I did when I was a child?

• Do I feel guilty when I say no?

• Am I usually last on my list of priorities?

• If your answer is yes to one or more questions, consider ways to check your people-pleasing behavior.

5 Steps to Pleasing You

Get comfortable with ‘no.’ Saying “No” is not always easy. When you want to say no to a request or invitation, think about what comes up in your body. Practice tolerating that discomfort by taking a deep breath. Recognize that you may not have been given permission to say no as a child, but you can do so today as an adult. Practice saying some go-to phrases such as “Unfortunately, I can’t…,” “I’m going to pass on this…,” “Thanks but that’s not going to work for me,” or simply, “No, I’m not able to…”

Set other boundaries. A boundary is a limit or standard you establish to protect yourself. There are different kinds of boundaries -- physical boundaries, time boundaries, financial boundaries, and emotional, sexual and spiritual boundaries. Take time to identify areas in your life where you might need to create and enforce boundaries. For example, not responding to work calls or emails after hours is a boundary. Not lending money (again) to that relative who is always broke is a boundary. Saying to a partner or friend who slights you, “You can’t speak to me that way,” or “That hurt me” is a boundary.

Center yourself. You may believe that it’s selfish to put your needs first. You may be in the habit of going out of your way to help others, but it may not actually be in your self-interest. Think about what it means to truly center yourself instead. Ask yourself: How does this make me feel? What do I want to do or to happen? It can feel strange for a people pleaser to ask these questions when you’re often focused on what others feel and what they want. But centering yourself is the first step toward empowering yourself. 

Remember your values. It’s important to be clear about your priorities and what matters most to you, and make sure that anything you are asked to do is in keeping with those values. If an action would cause you to go against your values, you need to reject it. I like this simple exercise that helps you to clarify what your values are. Your values are a roadmap to help you navigate thorny issues or questions. You need to know in order to stand by them. 

Get extra support. This issue is quite common. If you struggle with saying no or people-pleasing causes you distress, consider getting support. You can find a local mental health provider by searching Therapy for Black Girls, Therapy for Black Men, Clinicians of Color or Psychology Today’s directory.

Save the date: We will cover people pleasing and other critical issues in an upcoming virtual “Working While Black,”  series focused on leadership for Black women in January 2024. For more information on this and future events, please visit my website https://www.musegrace.com/ or sign up for my newsletter: http://eepurl.com/g9qkQ5.

Hobbies can enrich our spirits and allow us to grow and expand our interests beyond work. 

“I can’t find time for self-care.”

“I wouldn’t know where to start…”

“I feel selfish even talking about it.”

These are some of the things we might tell ourselves or hear from others when the topic of self-care comes up. But not taking good care of ourselves can leave us feeling unmotivated and burned out. 

Take vacations, for example. Too few of us take time off, even when we’ve earned it. Americans are half as likely to take vacation in any given week today than we did 40 years ago, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Compared with other races, Black folks were the least likely to have taken a vacation in 2018-2022. 

That’s true despite the fact that many of us reconsidered the way we worked as the pandemic transformed our relationships to work. The “Great Resignation” appears to be over and many in-office workers have returned to their desks. But our habit of not taking vacations predates the pandemic and may speak to the larger phenomenon of lack of self-care.

Self-care is not a destination but a journey. 

What is self-care? It’s defined by the World Health Organization as “the ability of individuals, families and communities to promote health, prevent disease, maintain health, and cope with illness and disability with or without the support of a health worker.” But I believe it’s broader than that: Self-care is what you do every day to take care of your  whole self; to be physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually well. Self-care is not a destination but a journey.

This may be a foreign concept to many Black women. We’ve been told our whole lives we need to “work twice as hard to get half as far” and to be recognized for our contributions. We may also have had few role models of self-care among our immediate family members, elders and ancestors who had to toil long hours or work multiple jobs to support their families. We may not feel we have the time or resources to “indulge” in self-care. We may even think that self-care is selfish and feel guilty about centering our needs. Self-care is a practice that we have to learn and intentionally take steps to incorporate into our lives.

If you don’t take all of your paid vacation, or regularly take work home with you, that’s one sign you may be neglecting self-care. But work is only one measure. Feeling overly stressed even when you are away from work could be another. Being in poor mental or physical health could also be a signal that you need to shift the balance of giving your time and energy to others and give more to yourself.

Take a moment to check in with yourself with a self-care assessment tool [https://socialwork.buffalo.edu/content/dam/socialwork/home/self-care-kit/self-care-assessment.pdf]. Follow the instructions to explore how often and how well you are taking care of yourself. Then spend some time reviewing your responses and take note of any patterns. Consider the results and reflect on your assessment in a journal. Answer these questions: 

What surprises me most about my results is _______________?

What area of self-care needs the most attention, and why? 

What action would I like to take to improve my self-care starting now?

For more ways to improve your self-care, here are seven ways to practice it. 

7 Steps to Better Self-Care

Set and enforce boundaries. You can set boundaries at work by closing your office door when you need privacy, asking colleagues to schedule appointments to meet with you rather than dropping by, and by not checking email after work hours. With family or friends, you can simply not answer the phone readily or take your time responding to a text. You can even block people who are unhealthy for you.

Just say no. No, period, is the clearest boundary of all. If you really don’t have time for that new work committee or don’t want to attend an event, don’t hesitate to say no. We all have limits and need to protect our time and sanity in order to say yes to the things we really want and have the time and energy to do. 

Sleep tight. But sleep is really essential to our well-being, but about a third of us don’t get the recommended seven hours of sleep at night. Without it, we can feel drowsy during the day, have mood swings, become forgetful and have a hard time focusing on tasks. To get better sleep, maintain a consistent sleep schedule: develop a bedtime routine that excludes electronic devices and includes some time with a good book or journaling, and make your bedroom a sanctuary that is quiet and cozy. 

Plan – and take – time off. In addition to summer or holiday vacations, be sure to take personal days and long weekends throughout the year. You earn your paid time off—use it! Time off allows you to relax and recharge. If your budget doesn’t cover travel right now, consider staycations that include day trips to local parks, botanical gardens or other recreational areas.

Be physically active. Take short walks during the day if you don’t have time for a longer routine. Or invite a family member or friend to engage in an activity together – a class, regular hikes, or a new sport like pickleball. Exercise is essential to your health and can boost your mood.  

Connect with others. Getting together with friends or neighbors can reduce isolation and deepen bonds between you and others. Make a date with a girlfriend for brunch or a walk-and-talk, or to visit a museum or see a play. Read my recent piece on connecting for more ideas of ways to beat loneliness.

Indulge in a hobby or two. Remember the things you enjoyed doing as a child? Things that made you forget what time it was and completely absorbed your attention? Find a way to generate that wonder and excitement – perhaps by taking a cooking or art class, doing jigsaw or crossword puzzles, or starting a garden or scrapbook. Hobbies can enrich our spirits and allow us to grow and expand our interests beyond work.   

Cultivate your spirituality. Whether you go to church, meditate or read inspirational books, give yourself the time and space to regularly engage in a spiritual practice. Research suggests that spirituality is linked to less depression and greater longevity. 

What’s a major health problem affecting half of all adults in the United States today? You may be surprised to hear that it’s not a disease but rather an epidemic of loneliness.

This spring, the nation’s top doc, the Surgeon General, released an advisory about the crisis of loneliness. In conversations with people around the country, he found that loneliness was very common: One in two adults reported experiencing it in recent years, even before the pandemic. This isolation from others can harm not only our mental health but our physical well-being as well, raising the risk of anxiety, depression, diabetes and heart disease.

The solution to this widespread problem is social connection. It is a principle I explore in my forthcoming book about Black women and mental health. From infancy, we crave connection with someone mirroring us and engaging us emotionally – first our parents, then others in our environment. When we don’t have consistent and deep connections as children, it affects how we relate to others as adults. Attachment theory holds that lack of connection in childhood has consequences for our relationships later in life: we may become too clingy or avoidant, pushing people away.    

Human beings need secure attachments to others to survive and to thrive. While our society encourages individualism and competition, these values are not what we need most. As author Yuval Noah Harari has said “Evolution can no longer be held by the idea of ‘survival of the fittest;’ it is more appropriately ‘survival of the most connected.’”

As a people, we in particular need connection as a buffer from not just isolation but from the impact of racism on our mental and physical health and our collective survival.

This concept is not new to Black people. We hail from a collectivist culture that recognizes the link between individual wellness and community. As a people, we in particular need connection as a buffer from not just isolation but from the impact of racism on our mental and physical health and our collective survival. That’s why our cultural celebrations like Kwanzaa celebrate unity and coming together for the common good.

We know this intuitively. We are biologically wired to bond with other human beings, individually to a partner, sisterfriend or child, and also communally to groups and community. Our connections are where we seek communal experiences; where we can find a common place/space between ourselves and others that help us feel whole. There are steps you can take to cultivate more meaningful and enriching connections in your life. 

Six Ways to Create or Deepen Our Connections

Plan a gathering or getaway. In addition to routine get-togethers or vacations, organize an experience with an individual or group you want to build a stronger connection with. This could be with a new friend or coworker. A game night, potluck, day trip, or regular walking dates with a girlfriend could be just what you need to deepen the bond between you and even start a new tradition. 

Touch base regularly. Be intentional about reaching out to a family member or friend at least once a week. Make it an appointment in your calendar. Go through your address book and respond to any connections that resonate with or speak to you. Don’t just text; visit in person or make a call. Include someone with whom you lost contact and would like to reconnect.

Write a letter or card. Old-school and languid letter writing has been overshadowed by rapid-fire emails and text messages. Research shows that expressing fondness and admiration can help to improve your relationships. Take the time to write a letter to a friend or relative you seldom see. Share a good memory and perhaps something you miss about them, and ask about how they’re doing. For special occasions like birthdays or anniversaries, forgo the digital card and write a genuine, detailed message.  

Have sit-down meals. If you don’t already sit around the table to eat meals with your family, start doing it now. Plan to have dinner together once a week or a Sunday brunch. Encourage children and teens to do it even when they don’t want to: do your part to model connecting. Decide on the menu and cook together. Turn off the TV, tuck away devices, and deeply engage each other.

Practice being present. Whenever you connect with others, make a conscious effort to be fully focused. Turn off or put away your phone and agree that everyone will ignore technology during your time together. If you find your mind drifting to your to-do list or some worry, notice it and bring yourself back to the moment at hand by tuning into the person in front of you – how they look, sound, and move. Think about what you appreciate most about them, and notice how you feel when you do so.

Get involved. Forge new connections by joining an organization or movement that aligns with your values. GirlTrek is a perfect example: it brings Black women together for physical activity and cultural connection. Like to read? Start a book club with friends or neighbors. You can also volunteer with your church or a local nonprofit organization that speaks to your passions. See a problem in your community? Brainstorm how to join with others to fix it. VolunteerMatch or Greatnonprofits.org might spark some ideas.

Investing time and effort to cultivate and nurture your connections regularly will help you avoid the crisis of loneliness and enrich your life and relationships.

Join us for the next cohort of S.W.E.L.L. (Single Women Embracing Life and Love), starting Wednesday Sept. 27. It’s an 8-week virtual support circle for single women. We’ll use literature and lyrics to explore topics like self-love, boundaries, and putting your best self forward in relationships. Registration is required: Visit https://www.musegrace.com/swell for more information. 

You receive an email about a co-worker’s promotion or new job. Your doctor says she’s concerned about your blood pressure. Or maybe a parent falls and suddenly needs a lot more of your time and attention to make sure they’re safe and supported. Any of these events could trigger a sense of unease or even alarm, causing you to wonder about where you are in your life and whether you might want or need to make a change.

It’s normal to be affected by what’s happening to family members, friends or colleagues, or by the awareness that you’re not getting any younger. These moments might make you uncomfortable, fearful, and even disgruntled. But they might also be gifts in disguise. Discontent might be an important signal that it’s time to pause and reflect on what really matters now.

Without introspection and reflection, we can find ourselves coasting through life or in a holding pattern that feels secure but is not fulfilling or benefiting us. When was the last time you considered your values, your goals and how you were living by and striving for them? Every so often it’s worth making the effort to step back from life and reassess. That could lead to a change that is overdue.

Start by taking a deep breath and asking yourself the questions: Am I happy with the way things are right now? If not, don't despair – instead consider taking steps to improve your life.

6 Steps To Making Change Happen

Pinpoint the issue. Consider an area of your life where you feel unsettled or uncertain. Is it your career? Finances? A relationship? Your health? Take a few minutes to write about it in a journal. Explore how you would want things to be different in this area.

Focus on the possible. Ask yourself the “Miracle Question,” a concept from Solution Focused Therapy that goes something like this: “If I could wave a magic wand and all my problems were solved, how would this area of my life be better?” This technique – by acknowledging that your problems are already solved – is intended to help you avoid getting stuck on any obstacles that might block your view of your goals. Write your answer down.

Consider your “Why”. Finish this sentence: “What makes this so important to me is ____________________.” Understanding why you want to make a change can help you take action. 

Review and reflect. Take a few minutes to read over all of what you wrote. Consider what feelings and physical sensations come up as you read your writing. Write down at least three feeling words and note what you feel in your body. Start to think about what next steps you’d like to take.

Talk it through. It may be helpful to explore thoughts and feelings that are connected with this exercise. Check in with a supportive family member, friend or trusted colleague. If this exercise feels challenging, consider getting the help of a therapist. A mental health professional might be able to help you get at the root of a problem, including anything standing in your way such as conflict avoidance. If talk therapy doesn’t appeal to you, explore other types such as art, music, dance or drama therapy.

Make a plan. Maybe you’ve decided to start a job search or to have a candid conversation with an elderly parent and siblings. Or maybe you need to end or seek a new relationship. Whatever it is, consider using the SMART goals framework to stay motivated and hold yourself accountable.  

These strategies will help you get unstuck and move beyond discontent to a better, more positive place in your life. 

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The official recognition of the day the last enslaved people in the United States learned of their freedom, known as Juneteenth, was a long time coming. It wasn’t until 2021 – nearly 160 years after slavery ended -- that the president signed a proclamation making Juneteenth a federal holiday. The holiday itself shows how freedom delayed can be freedom denied: It took two years for the last enslaved people in Texas to get the word they had been emancipated. 

Some African Americans celebrate freedom twice – Juneteenth and July Fourth – while some have embraced the new federal holiday and released the older one. One argument: Black people were still enslaved at the time of the country’s founding, and today the holiday reminds us that America's promise is still unkept.

For some of us, even our relationship with Juneteenth is complicated: the official recognition came on the heels of the police murder of George Floyd. That could be interpreted as a hasty response to the mass movement inspired by Floyd’s tragic death while still not addressing the need to police violence against Black people. And unfortunately, in some instances, Juneteenth has already been co-opted and commercialized, reducing the significance of the day to a slogan on a T-shirt or soda can.  

Yet Juneteenth is still an important way to acknowledge our history. This year, the holiday falls at a time when the very freedom to learn Black history is under attack. Books featuring Black protagonists or written by Black authors are being banned, Black history courses dropped, and nascent efforts toward diversity, equity and inclusion are already being gutted or eliminated.

Despite the holiday, we continue to be reminded that Black bodies are not free. As Black women, our freedom to have a child or to not have a child is under threat, and we are disproportionate victims of human trafficking. As a community, our freedom to vote for our political leaders and issues that matter to us is being eroded in state after state.

Why freedom matters: We need a sense of bodily freedom to move about the world and feel safe. We need personal and political freedom to experience agency and make choices in our lives. With these liberties, we can have a voice, set goals, and take responsibility for our futures.

Without these basic freedoms, we are at risk and can suffer from mental health challenges like anxiety and depression. Structural racism is a well-established source of trauma for African Americans. Ongoing racial trauma can harm our mental health and well-being, leading to avoidance, distrust, chronic stress, physical symptoms, and illness. 

At this moment, let’s use Juneteenth as a reminder to reflect on and reclaim our freedoms. If you can, take the day off from work. Whether you’re planning to celebrate with a family gathering, community event or quietly at home, consider these questions for affirming the past and embracing the idea of freedom:

What more can I learn? If you’re like a lot of African Americans, particularly in the North, you may not have even heard of Juneteenth until recent years. The National Museum of African American History and Culture offers an overview of Juneteenth as well as a summer reading list, resources to share with children, and ways to mark the holiday on social media. Find out what local libraries and museums in your community are offering in the days leading up to and including Juneteenth.

What more can I do? The struggle for freedom is on many fronts – economic, educational, health, criminal justice, and more. What issue do you feel compelled to do something about? See if there is a committee within your faith community, sorority, or other organization where you can lend your time and talents. The NAACP outlines a list of key issues and ways to make your voice heard. 

What can I change? Take a moment to watch this video of the descendants of abolitionist Frederick Douglass reading his famous “What to the Slave is the Fourth of July?” speech. You can also read the full text. Then grab your laptop or a notebook and take 5 to 10 minutes to respond to the following writing prompts:

In what area of my life could I use more freedom?

What makes this so important to me is __________.

Once you’re done, take several minutes to reflect on what you wrote and consider how you can turn your thoughts into reality. 

Juneteenth is more than a holiday – it’s an opportunity to renew our personal and collective commitment to the full realization of freedom for ourselves, our families and our communities.

*** 
To explore more deeply, join me for a free virtual community writing event on Monday, June 12, at 7 a.m. ET/10 a.m. PT (registration required). For more info and to register: https://www.sowleadershipdevelopment.org/wake-up-everybody 

When the political correspondent Abby Phillip posed a tough question to the former president at the White House in 2018, and he responded with “What a stupid question,” Phillip did not falter or shrink. The Black female reporter exhibited what I call grace, remaining composed and focused on her job, in the face of stunning rudeness. It would not be the only time the Harvard grad demonstrated such poise, but it was a defining moment. 

Similarly, in 2021 when Sheryl Underwood of The Talk confronted her co-host Sharon Osbourne about the topic of racism, she remained calm and respectful as Osbourne got increasingly agitated and defensive. Even after Osbourne told Underwood, on air, to withhold her own emotions, Underwood remained calm, present and willing to listen under duress, allowing space for her friend and co-host to share her feelings about an issue that wasn’t about her, but that she seemed to take personally. In this example, Underwood, known more for her caustic persona, displayed remarkable self-control, patience, dignity and grace. 

In a society where we are often disrespected both as women and people of color, grace is essential to our mental health and well-being.

Grace. It is a quality we know when we see, hear and experience it. It means different things to different people and has a specific religious significance in the sense of being in God’s favor. But the behavior that Phillip and Underwood displayed under pressure is a form of grace that all Black women could benefit from cultivating within ourselves. In a society where we are often disrespected both as women and people of color, grace is essential to our mental health and well-being. As Black women, we have times when we may be justified in wanting to go off. We can and should still stand up for ourselves, and it’s grace that will keep us grounded, balanced and – in the long run – well. 

Why does grace matter? If we responded to every instance of racism and sexism with anger or defensiveness, we would be at the mercy of the ignorance of others, which would harm our mental and physical health. Research has shown that even perceived discrimination is a factor in chronic stress-related health disparities, including hypertension and diabetes in African Americans. Grace may be one effective remedy for coping with and healing from the racism we routinely face.

Dignity, thoughtfulness, and considerateness are other words associated with grace. Ease of movement, like a ballet dancer, as well. To grow in our gracefulness, we need to be self-aware and practice grace in how we show up in the world every day. It also means showing grace to ourselves.

Here are some simple and profound ways to cultivate and manifest grace in your daily life:

Use Affirmations as Reminders. Brainstorm simple statements you can repeat to yourself in moments when you could use a little grace. Examples include:

“When ____ happens, I remind myself that I am _____.” 

“In hard times I lean into my _______.” 

“I speak up when I see ________.” 

Use colorful pencils or pens to write all your affirmations on one page, or each on its own page. Frame and display your words as reminders of your capacity for grace. 

Laugh a Little. Humor can also help us to build grace. Can you think of a time when you temporarily lost it over a minor issue and realized later with hindsight that you overreacted? Try to bring that big-picture perspective to moments that might call for grace. Can you laugh at the small stuff? You can often find humor in the little mistakes and mishaps of life.

Let It Go. Is there someone in your life you hold a grudge toward? Who you haven’t spoken to in years? Maybe it’s time to forgive them; or, to forgive the most important person – yourself. If you can’t get to forgiveness, what would it mean for you to get to a place of resolve? In this way, you decide that you’re not going to carry the hurt forward. Sometimes letting go of old hurts can be healing and expand your capacity for grace. 

Relax Your Expectations. As Black women, we often demand a lot of ourselves, and others, too. But expecting perfection can cause unnecessary stress. Know when you’ve done good enough and reward yourself. Acknowledge when your partner or children might be doing the best that they can – even if you think they could do better. Express your appreciation for yourself and the people you care about every day.

Speak Gently. We are often stereotyped as being “angry” – yelling and swiveling our necks when tested. Yet that is not who we need to be. Like Underwood, we can be intentional about our tone and words in even the most trying situations. 

To help manage your behavior in response to difficult experiences, use “opposite action” a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy technique for emotional regulation. For example, if you’re so upset you want to scream at somebody, take a deep breath and speak in a low and measured voice. This technique calls for you to practice mindfulness – to be more aware of your emotional and physical responses.

Show Grace to Receive Grace. Say “thank you” more often. Smile, and notice the shift in your mood. Give what you can to people in need. Don’t expect anything in return but know that your generosity is a model for others and contributes to more grace in the world. 

Finally, to expand your sense of grace, consider the poem by former National Poet Laureate Elizabeth Alexander, "Praise Song for the Day," created for the first inauguration of President Barack Obama in 2009. Written for a momentous occasion, it reflects grace in the everyday way we overcome challenges in our lives – ordinary people doing extraordinary things – as well as in our shared and individual histories. With elegance and plain-spokenness, it encourages us to consider our capacity to move forward with hope. Here’s my favorite passage:

Praise song for struggle, praise song for the day.

Praise song for every hand-lettered sign,

the figuring-it-out at kitchen tables.

Read the full poem, Praise Song for the Day, and reflect on what it says about grace to you.

Lately it seems like a day doesn’t go by without some challenge to our identities as Black folk. States are passing laws to suppress the teaching of Black history, books featuring Black characters or stories are being pulled from school and library shelves, and Black scholars like Nicole Hannah Jones and Kimberlé Crenshaw are targets of attack. 

This opposition to our culture and heritage is not new, but it seems to be intensifying and filled with more animus. Hard-fought gains are being eroded as affirmative action continues to be chipped away and diversity and inclusion programs are questioned or abandoned altogether. This onslaught of anti-blackness strikes at the very core of who we are -- and our identities as Black people. It puts us on the defensive and threatens to undermine our sense of self. It’s a wake-up call to recognize what’s happening and clap back.

In an upcoming book that I am co-authoring about Black women and resilience, we speak about the power of identity and the role it plays in the lives of Black women. Black women can thrive in the face of racism if we know who we are – if we embrace our history, acknowledging the places of struggle while working to rise above our circumstances. Discovering the internal self is about embracing those qualities and characteristics that are uniquely ours and feeling safe enough to be our most authentic selves. 

Our identity can serve as a shield against resurgent racism and misogyny.

Identity has become a loaded word, associated with "identity politics," "wokeness" and other polarizing ideas. Owning our identity means recognizing and celebrating our culture, our individual stories, our collective stories, our values. All of that factors into what makes each of us unique. It also gives us common ground and a collective sense of purpose. Our identity can serve as a shield against resurgent racism and misogyny. Without a clear sense of identity, we may easily fall prey to stereotypes – how others view us and who they say we are.

As we reflect on this past Black History Month and celebrate Women’s History Month, it’s the perfect time to reflect on and celebrate all that makes us who we are. But how can you reaffirm your sense of self?

Here are ways to reframe the concept of identity and use it to your advantage. 

Name and claim who you are. Choose a word that describes something about you. It may be something that others do not know or see. Consider what makes you unique and be sure you choose a positive word. Maybe you describe yourself as “playful” or “creative” or “determined.” If you’re not sure, ask a close friend for suggestions. Once you settle on a word, write it down and then describe at least three ways in which you live out that aspect of yourself. Then describe at least three ways in which you plan to express it more in the future. 

Explore your people’s history. Talk to an elder in your family or community to learn about your people, who they are and how they came to be. Flip through old family photographs to start the conversation. Is there a story that has been passed down that you can learn more about? Does someone in your family have a name (or nickname) that you want to know more about? You can look into DNA testing for African Americans to go further back into your family tree. Who were your ancestors? What were they like? Where did they live? What did they do? Consider how they have contributed to who you are today. 

Learn about your own name. If you don’t already know the story behind your name, find out. If you were named after an ancestor or historical figure, do a little digging to discover more about them. Does your name have a meaning? Explore its significance.

Be clear about your values. In many ways we are our values, or the beliefs that guide and motivate us. To strengthen your identity, bring into focus what matters most to you. Maybe it's family or community or social justice. Try this 10-minute values exercise. In what ways are you, or could you be, living these values more fully? 

Express yourself. As Black people, we often talk about code-switching to adapt to the environment we’re in. There is a time and place for that, but we also owe it to ourselves to be ourselves wherever we are. Whether at work or at home, fill it with family photos, artwork and books that reflect your identity and values. Wear jewelry or clothing that expresses your true self. Share ethnic food at a work potluck or lunch. Surround yourself with elements that reflect your Black identity.

Write and reflect. Revisit Dr. Maya Angelou’s anthem to self-awareness and resilience, Still I Rise. Use the following prompts to explore your personal history and embrace your identity. Write to one, two or all three prompts.

1. In the poem, Dr. Angelou is letting someone know that it doesn’t matter how they perceive her – how she sees herself is what matters. Write a brief letter to someone describing how you see yourself, and even how your perception might challenge theirs.

2. Dr. Angelou writes: I rise – Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave…

What gifts do you bring from your ancestors? How are you using them or how do you intend to use them?

3. What words or lines speak to you the most? Write about why.

Once you’re done, take a few minutes and review what you wrote. Write three feeling words that reflect how you feel when you read your own words. How does your writing inform how you see yourself?

Imagine this scenario: You are at work one day and receive an email announcing that a colleague (who joined the organization later than you) was promoted above you or received a key assignment you were hoping for. Like a team player, you congratulate your coworker, but you quietly seethe about the lost opportunity. 

What did you do wrong? Why weren’t you the one to receive that raise or plum project? These are questions you may have, but might never ask out loud.

This may be a familiar experience. And it’s a lesson, too. As Black women, we are often on the front lines for social justice and quick to speak up for others. But when it comes to our personal needs, some of us might be reluctant to rally for ourselves. Self-advocacy is an important life skill that you need to create the life you want and deserve.

You may not have adopted self-advocacy growing up if your parents didn’t allow you to have a voice in the home, or if you never witnessed it in practice because they didn’t know how to advocate for themselves in a hostile world. Without the ability to identify what you want and ask for it unapologetically, you may have allowed others to take advantage or walk all over you.

But it’s never too late to learn self-advocacy and the ability to speak up for what matters to you. You have responsibilities, such as putting in the work, but you also have rights – including the right to be heard and treated equally.

What Stops You from Speaking Up?

I often explore this issue in my therapy practice. Some clients don’t self-advocate because they fear rejection or an angry response if they do stand up for themselves. That is the case at work as well as in relationships, where women often wait and wait for a partner to take the next step out of fear of losing them if they ask for what they want. 

Another barrier to self-advocacy might be settling for another person’s vision of who you are. Just because a boss doesn’t see you in a leadership position or doesn’t recognize your contributions doesn’t mean you have to accept their perspective.

Racism and sexism may also be factors. If you consciously or unconsciously assumed that a certain opportunity would never be open to a woman or a person of color, you might never go for it. The experience of bias or microaggressions might also cause you to hold back. 

Becoming Your Own Advocate

Learning to speak up for yourself can seem daunting. But you can do it with some internal examination and these steps:

Clarify Your Values. To practice self-advocacy, you need to first identify what you value, whether that’s in a career or in a relationship. What matters to you most in this situation?  What do you need? Try this exercise to help you discover your core values and write them down.

Find the Right Time. Once you are clear about your values, like any new skill, self-advocacy takes planning. If you want to ask for a promotion or new title to match your growing responsibilities, think through who you will ask, where and when. Your next one-on-one meeting or an annual review might be the ideal opportunity. 

Make Your Case. Prepare your argument: What contributions have you made that warrant the new position? If you can quantify how you’ve improved the bottom line or cite examples of achievements, it will build your confidence and increase the likelihood you’ll be heard. 

Get Feedback. Ask a mentor, friend, career coach or therapist to role-play with you and provide feedback. Even making the ask of an empty chair can have benefits. 

Plan for Plan B. Finally, decide what you will do if the answer is no. It may be enough for you to have stated what you want. But if it’s not, consider asking your boss what you need to do to earn the promotion or raise. Do you need to receive additional training? Or volunteer for a high-profile project? Or you might simply decide it’s time to dust off your resume and to move on.

In the case of a romantic relationship, the process of self-advocacy is the same: zero in on what you value and want, practice the conversation you will have, and consider what you’ll do if your partner doesn’t respond the way you hoped. By asking for a commitment, you might get it. But if you are disappointed, you’ll walk away with a stronger sense of who you are and what you need to be happy.

Whatever happens at work or in life, standing up for your values will give you a greater sense of agency and strength in knowing you are responsible for your life.

Fall is here, and it’s that time of year when most of us have reluctantly returned from vacation and rolled up our sleeves to get back to work. But as you dive back into your to-do list, it’s important to remember to make rest an essential part of your routine throughout the year. Without rest, you risk exhausting your resources and burning out. Rest, like sleep, is necessary for recharging your batteries, and just like nutrients from food, you need your vitamin “R”.

Research has shown that rest in the form of naps can reduce fatigue and boost alertness. This type of rest can improve your mental creativity and physical performance. Getting appropriate rest can also support you in maintaining a healthy weight, as a lack of sleep has been linked to increased appetite and a slowing of metabolism.

So what exactly is rest and how do you integrate it into your life? Here are some restful strategies that are relaxing and restorative. 

Walk in nature. At a park or other natural setting, take a stroll. Make sure to focus your attention on what you experience with your senses – the color of leaves, the sound of birds chirping, the scent of flowers, the feel of a breeze or the sun on your skin. Immersing yourself in nature can be profoundly revitalizing.

Write to reflect. After your nature walk, take a few minutes to reflect on what you saw and experienced, and how it made you feel. You can write about whatever comes to mind, and over time, about any seasonal changes you notice. You can also use a writing technique such as a sentence-stem, where you fill in the blank: "One thing that made me smile on my walk today was ___________ because ____________."

Meditate. Regular meditation can also help you relax deeply and even get better sleep. There are dozens of guided meditations online or available via meditation apps like Smiling Mind that can help you quiet the mind, decrease your stress, increase self awareness and slow your heart rate. 

Research psychologist James Pennebaker has studied and popularized what’s called expressive writing. The idea is for individuals to write about a difficult or traumatic situation but in a time-limited, focused way. His technique offers structure so people don’t relive traumatic memories and get overwhelmed by them.

Practice yoga. Similar to meditation, yoga can help facilitate rest. Yoga naturally activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which then tells the body to chill out. But you don’t have to twist yourself into a pretzel. Visit a local yoga studio for an introductory class or try these simple poses to get the rest you need. You can also check out yogi and self-care resources that specifically cater to Black folks. 

Tune out “noise”. What prevents us from resting? The constant ding of our phones, negative media reports, toxic people in our lives. Turn your phone off at the end of the day or block notifications; limit news-watching or scrolling to no more than an hour; and respond to negative people when you are ready (if at all) and have gotten rest. 

Have a bedtime routine. Create a restful environment by blocking light, choosing comfy bedding and keeping the temperature cool. Get in the habit of going to bed at the same time each night and aim to get at least 7 hours of shut-eye to revitalize all your body’s systems. 

Take personal days and vacation. Too many of us don’t take all of our paid time off, driven by a sense of duty or unhealthy work ethic. Take the days you’ve earned. Look at the year ahead and be thoughtful about blocking off time for your next long vacation and some long weekends throughout the year. Connecting with friends on a getaway, or even scheduling your own “mental health” day can do wonders for your well-being. 

Looking for additional support for your mental wellness?

My counseling practice offers women-centered groups to support your growth and healing, including Working While Black, a support group for Black women working in white spaces, and S.W.E.L.L., a group for single women. Join us!

Let’s say you’ve had a bad day – an upsetting blow-up with your boss or a misunderstanding with your partner. Or you’ve had a joyous time with the kids. You can get some support and nurturing, or hold on to the sweet memories, through writing – a simple yet profound technique to cultivate wellness and help you heal.

As a therapist, I know there are many different ways for my clients to process emotions and experiences besides talk therapy. I remind them that writing – even if you do not consider yourself a “writer” – is a powerful way to cope with grief, depression, anxiety and trauma. It’s also a tool for self-care when you’re feeling good. Whether you already keep a journal or rarely put pen to paper, now may be the time to add some simple writing strategies to your self-care toolkit.

Therapeutic writing techniques

Some effective writing techniques involve “containers” – which help create structure for your writing. Time is a common example of a container that puts a specific limit, say five minutes, on how long you write. Using a prompt to get you started writing is another type of container. You can write in response to a specific question, or an image such as a photograph or piece of artwork, that prompts you to think about a memory or experience. 

Psychotherapist Kay Adams developed a model for writing called the Journal Ladder that includes a spectrum of writing techniques that offer different degrees of structure, and pacing. One example of a Ladder technique is list making, like a list of 25 ways you can treat yourself that have nothing to do with food. That act of writing the list focuses your thinking and can lead to insight when you reflect on what you wrote. 

Another example from Adams is Sentence Stems. These are partial sentences that you complete, such as “Right now I feel _______” or “The most important thing I can take from this experience is _______” This sentence completion process is simple and can help provide clarity to your thoughts and feelings. Writing a letter that you don’t necessarily have to send is another way Adams suggests to stimulate insights and increase your self-awareness. 

Research psychologist James Pennebaker has studied and popularized what’s called expressive writing. The idea is for individuals to write about a difficult or traumatic situation but in a time-limited, focused way. His technique offers structure so people don’t relive traumatic memories and get overwhelmed by them.

How it works: Write about a challenging time for four consecutive days, 20 minutes per day. The situation can be something recent or from the past that troubles you, and the technique involves simply writing whatever comes up. On the third day of writing, he suggests writing about the situation from a different perspective – say, as a different person or even an inanimate object. On the fourth day, you return to writing from your perspective for another 20 minutes.

After the four days are complete, you can read and reflect on what you wrote. You can also write about how the process made you feel. Pennebaker’s research has found those who used expressive writing in this way had stronger immune systems, fewer illnesses and improved mood, among other positive benefits.

Novelist and expressive therapies expert Zelda Lockhart provides another way to write about personal experiences. She suggests using what she calls “jump starters” such as music, images or literature. If you get stuck as you journal, grab a book full of rich imagery, open it and put your finger on a page. Wherever your finger lands, that’s your jump starter.

Yet another way to write about your experience is to focus on your senses. If you are writing about a memory, for example, try to recall what it smelled like. What did it feel like? Sound like? Really tune in to and write about the details. Sensory experiences can help unlock memory and feelings. 

Writing for joy

If you make it a consistent habit, writing for just a few minutes a day can become a healing practice and a joyful experience. Focusing on gratitude in your writing can help you focus on the positive and improve both mental and physical health.  

Writing with others is also a great way to connect, share experiences and have those experiences witnessed by a supportive community. If you’d like to be a part of a community writing event, join me for Wake Up Everybody, on July 19 at 7am - 8:30am EST (Registration required). In this free virtual event, our topic is “We Won’t Go Back: Poetry, Power and Justice,” and we will use literature and lyrics to explore social justice issues. 

My practice also offers other women-centered groups to support your growth and healing, including Working While Black, a support group for Black women working in white spaces, and S.W.E.L.L., a group for single women. 

The great thing about writing is it is just for you – no one else has to read it. The act of writing can stimulate your creative juices, lead to a deeper relationship with yourself, and help you determine what changes you need to make or what actions you can take to make a difference for yourself and in the world.