Giving Grace: 6 Ways to Bring This Superpower into Your Life

When the political correspondent Abby Phillip posed a tough question to the former president at the White House in 2018, and he responded with “What a stupid question,” Phillip did not falter or shrink. The Black female reporter exhibited what I call grace, remaining composed and focused on her job, in the face of stunning rudeness. It would not be the only time the Harvard grad demonstrated such poise, but it was a defining moment. 

Similarly, in 2021 when Sheryl Underwood of The Talk confronted her co-host Sharon Osbourne about the topic of racism, she remained calm and respectful as Osbourne got increasingly agitated and defensive. Even after Osbourne told Underwood, on air, to withhold her own emotions, Underwood remained calm, present and willing to listen under duress, allowing space for her friend and co-host to share her feelings about an issue that wasn’t about her, but that she seemed to take personally. In this example, Underwood, known more for her caustic persona, displayed remarkable self-control, patience, dignity and grace. 

In a society where we are often disrespected both as women and people of color, grace is essential to our mental health and well-being.

Grace. It is a quality we know when we see, hear and experience it. It means different things to different people and has a specific religious significance in the sense of being in God’s favor. But the behavior that Phillip and Underwood displayed under pressure is a form of grace that all Black women could benefit from cultivating within ourselves. In a society where we are often disrespected both as women and people of color, grace is essential to our mental health and well-being. As Black women, we have times when we may be justified in wanting to go off. We can and should still stand up for ourselves, and it’s grace that will keep us grounded, balanced and – in the long run – well. 

Why does grace matter? If we responded to every instance of racism and sexism with anger or defensiveness, we would be at the mercy of the ignorance of others, which would harm our mental and physical health. Research has shown that even perceived discrimination is a factor in chronic stress-related health disparities, including hypertension and diabetes in African Americans. Grace may be one effective remedy for coping with and healing from the racism we routinely face.

Dignity, thoughtfulness, and considerateness are other words associated with grace. Ease of movement, like a ballet dancer, as well. To grow in our gracefulness, we need to be self-aware and practice grace in how we show up in the world every day. It also means showing grace to ourselves.

Here are some simple and profound ways to cultivate and manifest grace in your daily life:

Use Affirmations as Reminders. Brainstorm simple statements you can repeat to yourself in moments when you could use a little grace. Examples include:

“When ____ happens, I remind myself that I am _____.” 

“In hard times I lean into my _______.” 

“I speak up when I see ________.” 

Use colorful pencils or pens to write all your affirmations on one page, or each on its own page. Frame and display your words as reminders of your capacity for grace. 

Laugh a Little. Humor can also help us to build grace. Can you think of a time when you temporarily lost it over a minor issue and realized later with hindsight that you overreacted? Try to bring that big-picture perspective to moments that might call for grace. Can you laugh at the small stuff? You can often find humor in the little mistakes and mishaps of life.

Let It Go. Is there someone in your life you hold a grudge toward? Who you haven’t spoken to in years? Maybe it’s time to forgive them; or, to forgive the most important person – yourself. If you can’t get to forgiveness, what would it mean for you to get to a place of resolve? In this way, you decide that you’re not going to carry the hurt forward. Sometimes letting go of old hurts can be healing and expand your capacity for grace. 

Relax Your Expectations. As Black women, we often demand a lot of ourselves, and others, too. But expecting perfection can cause unnecessary stress. Know when you’ve done good enough and reward yourself. Acknowledge when your partner or children might be doing the best that they can – even if you think they could do better. Express your appreciation for yourself and the people you care about every day.

Speak Gently. We are often stereotyped as being “angry” – yelling and swiveling our necks when tested. Yet that is not who we need to be. Like Underwood, we can be intentional about our tone and words in even the most trying situations. 

To help manage your behavior in response to difficult experiences, use “opposite action” a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy technique for emotional regulation. For example, if you’re so upset you want to scream at somebody, take a deep breath and speak in a low and measured voice. This technique calls for you to practice mindfulness – to be more aware of your emotional and physical responses.

Show Grace to Receive Grace. Say “thank you” more often. Smile, and notice the shift in your mood. Give what you can to people in need. Don’t expect anything in return but know that your generosity is a model for others and contributes to more grace in the world. 

Finally, to expand your sense of grace, consider the poem by former National Poet Laureate Elizabeth Alexander, "Praise Song for the Day," created for the first inauguration of President Barack Obama in 2009. Written for a momentous occasion, it reflects grace in the everyday way we overcome challenges in our lives – ordinary people doing extraordinary things – as well as in our shared and individual histories. With elegance and plain-spokenness, it encourages us to consider our capacity to move forward with hope. Here’s my favorite passage:

Praise song for struggle, praise song for the day.

Praise song for every hand-lettered sign,

the figuring-it-out at kitchen tables.

Read the full poem, Praise Song for the Day, and reflect on what it says about grace to you.