Hobbies can enrich our spirits and allow us to grow and expand our interests beyond work. 

“I can’t find time for self-care.”

“I wouldn’t know where to start…”

“I feel selfish even talking about it.”

These are some of the things we might tell ourselves or hear from others when the topic of self-care comes up. But not taking good care of ourselves can leave us feeling unmotivated and burned out. 

Take vacations, for example. Too few of us take time off, even when we’ve earned it. Americans are half as likely to take vacation in any given week today than we did 40 years ago, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Compared with other races, Black folks were the least likely to have taken a vacation in 2018-2022. 

That’s true despite the fact that many of us reconsidered the way we worked as the pandemic transformed our relationships to work. The “Great Resignation” appears to be over and many in-office workers have returned to their desks. But our habit of not taking vacations predates the pandemic and may speak to the larger phenomenon of lack of self-care.

Self-care is not a destination but a journey. 

What is self-care? It’s defined by the World Health Organization as “the ability of individuals, families and communities to promote health, prevent disease, maintain health, and cope with illness and disability with or without the support of a health worker.” But I believe it’s broader than that: Self-care is what you do every day to take care of your  whole self; to be physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually well. Self-care is not a destination but a journey.

This may be a foreign concept to many Black women. We’ve been told our whole lives we need to “work twice as hard to get half as far” and to be recognized for our contributions. We may also have had few role models of self-care among our immediate family members, elders and ancestors who had to toil long hours or work multiple jobs to support their families. We may not feel we have the time or resources to “indulge” in self-care. We may even think that self-care is selfish and feel guilty about centering our needs. Self-care is a practice that we have to learn and intentionally take steps to incorporate into our lives.

If you don’t take all of your paid vacation, or regularly take work home with you, that’s one sign you may be neglecting self-care. But work is only one measure. Feeling overly stressed even when you are away from work could be another. Being in poor mental or physical health could also be a signal that you need to shift the balance of giving your time and energy to others and give more to yourself.

Take a moment to check in with yourself with a self-care assessment tool [https://socialwork.buffalo.edu/content/dam/socialwork/home/self-care-kit/self-care-assessment.pdf]. Follow the instructions to explore how often and how well you are taking care of yourself. Then spend some time reviewing your responses and take note of any patterns. Consider the results and reflect on your assessment in a journal. Answer these questions: 

What surprises me most about my results is _______________?

What area of self-care needs the most attention, and why? 

What action would I like to take to improve my self-care starting now?

For more ways to improve your self-care, here are seven ways to practice it. 

7 Steps to Better Self-Care

Set and enforce boundaries. You can set boundaries at work by closing your office door when you need privacy, asking colleagues to schedule appointments to meet with you rather than dropping by, and by not checking email after work hours. With family or friends, you can simply not answer the phone readily or take your time responding to a text. You can even block people who are unhealthy for you.

Just say no. No, period, is the clearest boundary of all. If you really don’t have time for that new work committee or don’t want to attend an event, don’t hesitate to say no. We all have limits and need to protect our time and sanity in order to say yes to the things we really want and have the time and energy to do. 

Sleep tight. But sleep is really essential to our well-being, but about a third of us don’t get the recommended seven hours of sleep at night. Without it, we can feel drowsy during the day, have mood swings, become forgetful and have a hard time focusing on tasks. To get better sleep, maintain a consistent sleep schedule: develop a bedtime routine that excludes electronic devices and includes some time with a good book or journaling, and make your bedroom a sanctuary that is quiet and cozy. 

Plan – and take – time off. In addition to summer or holiday vacations, be sure to take personal days and long weekends throughout the year. You earn your paid time off—use it! Time off allows you to relax and recharge. If your budget doesn’t cover travel right now, consider staycations that include day trips to local parks, botanical gardens or other recreational areas.

Be physically active. Take short walks during the day if you don’t have time for a longer routine. Or invite a family member or friend to engage in an activity together – a class, regular hikes, or a new sport like pickleball. Exercise is essential to your health and can boost your mood.  

Connect with others. Getting together with friends or neighbors can reduce isolation and deepen bonds between you and others. Make a date with a girlfriend for brunch or a walk-and-talk, or to visit a museum or see a play. Read my recent piece on connecting for more ideas of ways to beat loneliness.

Indulge in a hobby or two. Remember the things you enjoyed doing as a child? Things that made you forget what time it was and completely absorbed your attention? Find a way to generate that wonder and excitement – perhaps by taking a cooking or art class, doing jigsaw or crossword puzzles, or starting a garden or scrapbook. Hobbies can enrich our spirits and allow us to grow and expand our interests beyond work.   

Cultivate your spirituality. Whether you go to church, meditate or read inspirational books, give yourself the time and space to regularly engage in a spiritual practice. Research suggests that spirituality is linked to less depression and greater longevity. 

How Therapy Can Be More Than Talking

Today, more people are making psychotherapy a part of their self-care practice. In the same way they have personal trainers, they are investing in therapists -- and that’s a good thing. The benefits of therapy are vast, including having an objective perspective on happenings in your life, a sounding board for you to talk through options before taking action, a place where you can deepen self-awareness, access resources to support your growth and personal development, and much more. 

But you may cringe at the idea of being up in an office talking through your feelings, and I get it! Sometimes, the couch may not be what you need at the time. Sometimes, you simply need to get out and about or explore your experiences in ways where words alone won’t do. 

As a psychotherapist, I help clients get in touch with their emotions and change negative thinking and problematic behavior.  I’ll sometimes encourage writing, moving, drawing, getting sunshine and even deep breathing as a way to explore and express feelings, develop coping and relaxation strategies, support healthy relationships and manage conflicts. 

When it comes to therapy, talking it through isn’t the only solution. Here are ten ways to get off the couch and still find transformation and healing. While not all are therapy in the clinical sense, all can be therapeutic.

Move your body. 

Dancing around the kitchen to your favorite Beyoncé song can certainly be fun (been there, done that!), but there are many more benefits to moving than exercise and a good time. Dance and movement help you connect with your body and contribute to your brain’s health. Science shows that the mental benefits include improved memory and strengthened neural connections. Dance and movement therapy helps address issues such as poor self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and traumatic stress. In an article exploring dance and movement therapy in Scientific American magazine, Columbia University neuroscientist John Krakauer called synchronizing music and movement a “pleasure double play” because music stimulates the brain’s reward centers, while dance activates its “sensory and motor circuits.” To find a dance movement therapist, try the American Dance Therapy Association. 

Take a hike.

Because it tends to be a little bit more challenging than a casual stroll through the park, hiking can give you a cardiovascular boost as well. A Harvard University article noted that hiking -- especially on uneven terrain -- can engage your core and enhance your balance while relieving stress as well.  

Get artsy.

Regardless of whether you consider yourself creative, making art makes for potent therapy. A Michigan State University article describes the benefits of art therapy for people of all ages, suggesting that it helps “tap into your inner thoughts, feelings and experiences through creative expression.” When combined with talk therapy, the article explains, art therapy can “help people deal with strong emotions, increase self-awareness and self-worth and decrease stress and anxiety.” Art therapy can include drawing, painting, coloring, sculpting and more. To find an art therapist near you, visit the American Art Therapy Association’s therapist locator.

Go outside and play.

Go Green: Enjoy the benefits of green spaces. (Image: Nappy.co)

In New York City, we have the benefit of living and working among oases of green spaces. These beautiful parks -- including Manhattan’s sprawling Central Park -- were designed to provide relief and a sense of escape for the teeming masses living in close quarters and among dense buildings. Occasionally I’ve met clients in a park near my office, and the change in setting made a big difference in our dynamic and their mood. It’s not surprising: CNN recently cited a study of 20,000 people in England that showed that spending time in nature or green spaces can benefit your health and well-being. Even as little as 15 minutes in nature is said to help reduce stress and anxiety, boost happiness and help with memory loss. 

Sing a song.

You may not be America’s next idol, but belting out your favorite song, even if off-key, can often be a great stress reliever. Up the fun quotient and meet a few friends for karaoke, where you can vibe with the music and be silly without judgment. In that vein, music therapy -- engaging music to accomplish goals within a therapeutic relationship -- can be a powerful option to consider. And you don’t need a musical background to experience the benefits of music therapy: a certified music therapist will design a program that’s suited for you. Find a music therapist through the American Music Therapy Association at https://www.musictherapy.org/about/find/.

Get to the beach. 

Sight, sound, smell -- the ocean stimulates many of your senses and can help you to relax. This NBC news story explores the notion that simply lying on a towel on the beach and just listening to the sound of waves washing onto shore can soothe you. The article notes that a study in the American Association for the Advancement of Science found that even the ocean’s blue hue can boost your mood and enhance creativity. Skeptics might say that the beach is relaxing because we’ve been conditioned to think so, but if it works, it works!

Work it out. 

Get Moving! Boosting your heart rate helps you feel great!

We know that regular exercise benefits your body, but rigorous movement boosts your brain as well. Working up a sweat not only releases endorphins -- nature’s feel-good hormone (as in “runner’s high”) -- but it also promotes better memory and thinking skills. A good aerobic workout can include anything that gets your heart rate up -- from Zumba to bicycling to swimming to a 30-minute do-it-yourself boot camp in the comfort of your living room. 

Write it out.

Creative writing and poetry can act as a buffer, providing a safe distance to explore difficult or distressing parts of your life. Many people in creative endeavors swear by Morning Pages, a daily exercise that is the cornerstone of Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way, a guide to restoring or enhancing creativity.  You write longhand - nonstop and no edits - filling three pages. In her book The Soul of the Full Length Manuscript, novelist and expressive arts expert Zelda Lockhart encourages us to dive into detail “to express joy, complacency or satisfaction with as much fervor as we have learned in our lives to express pain.” Some therapists are specially trained to guide you in writing, offering prompts and excerpts to help you safely explore areas of your life and process the writing you produce. The International Federation for Biblio/Poetry Therapy lists credentialed professionals who can facilitate writing as therapy. 

Act it out.

Of course you want to have as little drama in your life as possible. But drama therapy can prove helpful as an alternative or addition to talk therapy. In drama therapy, you might use theater games, storytelling, and enactment to help cope with grief and loss, isolation and conflict. As the North American Drama Therapy Association  explains, drama therapy can also promote positive changes in mood, insight and empathy and facilitate healthy relationships. Check out their listing of drama therapists.

Breathe with intention. 

Breathing with thoughtful intention can promote calm and ease, cultivate mindfulness, and help you become more grounded and aware of bodily sensations. Breath is often overlooked, but is an important part of working through distressing experiences and making change. And whenever you exhale for longer than you inhale, you automatically engage your parasympathetic nervous system, which tells your body to rest, and counteract your sympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for your fight-or-flight response. Try this technique adapted from The Healing Power of the Breath by Drs. Richard P. Brown and Patricia L. Gerbarg: Slowly inhale for four counts, hold for four counts, slowly exhale for six counts, hold for two counts. Repeat a few times and note what you feel in your body.  

Robin D. Stone is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Positive Psychology Associates in Manhattan. She is the author of No Secret, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal from Sexual Abuse and lead writer of the Essence book, The Black Women’s Guide to Healthy Living. Robin is currently developing an expressive arts wellness center in Harlem, New York. Learn more about Robin’s services and connect with her at robinstone.com