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After more than a year of staying home, masked up, and vigilant about keeping distant in the coronavirus pandemic, vaccines have brought some hope that we can safely return to near-normal pre-pandemic activities. While that’s great news, not everybody is ready to re-emerge and reconnect just yet. In fact, looser mask mandates and social distancing restrictions can cause a great deal of anxiety for some. 

If you can relate, you are not alone. Let’s talk about what might contribute to your unease about resuming activities you once did before the pandemic started, and explore ways for you to get back to living your life more fully.

 Restaurants, theaters, and other venues are returning to full capacity, and some businesses are calling employees back to work in-office, but the virus is still out there among us. Yes, vaccinated people have a very low chance of developing severe disease, hospitalization and death, according to the CDC. But the World Health Organization says we’re not out of the woods just yet. Some countries still don’t have access to vaccines and infections continue to rise, vaccines are not yet approved for children under 12, we don’t know how long immunity lasts after receiving a vaccine, and we don’t know what may happen with variants down the line. 

That’s a lot of uncertainty to navigate, and our brains don’t like uncertainty because it makes us feel unsafe. So it’s understandable if you want to be cautious about how you emerge – or if you’re not ready to emerge at all just yet. The best way to move forward is to do what makes you feel most comfortable. 

 Here are four questions to ask yourself about how to re-enter society safely. 

What do I need to feel safe?

It’s OK to ask about safety precautions before you enter any space. If you’re invited to someone’s home, ask if masks will be worn and/or whether all guests must be vaccinated in order to attend. Determine if the gathering will be outdoors instead or inside. If you don’t like the answers, don’t go, and don’t feel any guilt about it. 

What are my boundaries for interacting? 

How you feel about emerging might be different from what other people are feeling. Just because some vaccinated folks are going around maskless and hugging cheek-to-cheek doesn’t mean you’re obligated to be maskless and drop your elbow-bump greeting. Don’t feel pressured to go along; listen to your instincts and go at your own pace.

What needs to change about the way I work?

Your company might soon require vaccinations, but even so, you still might not feel safe working in an enclosed space with others. Or you may have enjoyed and want to keep your newfound flexibility from working from home. You might not be able to dictate what happens at work, but keep in mind that a lot of companies are either going all remote or adopting hybrid models. It could be time to look for a job with protocols that you’re more comfortable with. (Or maybe you’re rethinking the type of work that you do altogether, as many seem to be doing.)

How can I still have fun? 

Think about ways to find the most joy in whatever you’re doing.  For some of us, social distance meant emotional distance, so as it warms up in much of the country, this is a great time to grab your girlfriend, your boo, or your kids and get outside as much as you can. Nature walks, girl trekking, dining outdoors, spreading out on the beach, or spending time in your local park are all great warm-weather options.

Whatever you do, consider what feels right to you, give yourself grace and reemerge in our own way.  

Although parts of the world are opening back up, the coronavirus pandemic is still ever-present, fraying nerves and patience as we all learn to adapt. Between balancing work (or looking for work), wondering if the kids will have camp this summer and way too many Zoom meetings and toilet paper scavenger hunts, it may seem as if the last thing you and your honey have time to think about is each other. If stress and busyness have created distance between you, it may be time to reconnect.

In a recent article I wrote for Sisters from AARP, I share how the stress we’re all under — whether we’re still quarantined or navigating life within this new world — can keep us from checking in with each other and making sure our “love tanks” are full. Click here to learn some simple ways to reconnect, refill and keep your love alive.

By the time couples come to see me to get support for a struggling relationship, many of them are already in crisis. They’re not speaking about issues that matter, or they’re arguing incessantly, or they’re stepping out on each other and on the verge of separation or divorce. At this point, one of the first questions I often ask is: Are you here to save your relationship or to find an amicable way to end it?

If partners are committed to staying together, I encourage them to focus on remembering why they became friends in the first place as a way to begin reinforcing the foundation of their relationship. At the heart of every healthy romantic relationship are some basic building blocks of friendship. You may need to return to these fundamentals to reconnect with each other. Or you may have been together for years, but this is all new to you. Either way, going back to the basics can take your relationship to a deeper level.

Here are seven ways to be each other’s best friend (again):

Listen with intent. Let your partner know that you not only hear the words they’re saying, but that you get the meaning of what they’re saying. If they’re animated and say they had a great day at work, they aced the presentation and the clients gave good feedback, then you could say: “Great, hon!” and keep it moving. OR, you could mirror their energy and say, “You seem really happy about how well the presentation went. Sounds like the clients really liked it!”

This reflection shows your partner that you understand the meaning of what they said and creates an opening that allows them to tell you more about the experience. They know you’re engaged and right there with them. That doesn’t mean to solve a problem (unless they ask for help to do so), but to empathize with them (“I can see how you’d be frustrated by the situation.”) Another way to encourage them to share more is to ask open-ended questions (that generate more than one-word answers) with genuine curiosity, like “Is there anything more?” or “What do you need from me right now?” This also opens a path for them to go deeper. These deep-listening skills can help you both feel heard in times of conflict.

Tune in to each other. Listening goes beyond reflecting. Tune in when your partner reaches out for your attention. For example, if he loves the TV show Power, and excitedly describes a scene he just saw, get into his enthusiasm for the drama -- even if Power isn’t your thing. Instead of, “I don’t know why you like that crazy show,” try something like, “I know you love that crazy Tommy! What makes you like that character so much?” This way of engaging, which is known as “Turning Toward” in the Gottman Method of couple’s therapy, can go a long way toward connecting with your partner, especially when they’re trying to connect with you. 

Know each other’s internal world. Who’s your partner’s best friend? What’s the name of that super supportive co-worker, or the one who gets on their nerves? Who’s the favorite cousin they grew up with who is more like a sibling to them? These details are part of your partner’s internal world, and knowing them helps you understand your partner on a deeper level. Learn the sports teams they follow, their favorite players, the type of wine they favor, and the people who affect the quality of their days. Invest your time and attention in knowing their world -- outside of your world together.

Show appreciation for each other. How often do you explicitly thank your partner? You might think they already know that you appreciate them or that you express it in other ways (i.e., sex or a general “I love you”).  However, by hearing your gratitude for a specific action can make them feel not only loved but seen. Go deeper than admiring how they look or thanking them for the chores they do every week. Did you like how he took the lead on researching furniture prices for your new apartment together? Tell him you appreciated how he stepped up to find that perfect sofa. Then say why it mattered: Maybe it made you feel taken care of, or maybe it showed how much he cared about making the space reflect both of you. 

Also tell him something you admire about him: how he strives to keep his word, or his dedication to supporting the seniors at church. Letting your partner know you value them is another way of showing your love.

Spend quality time. Turn off the TV, sideline your devices and have a real conversation. Not about politics or the latest news story; but about goals, dreams, concerns or fears. For a little help, consider the 36 questions in a provocative study that explores accelerating intimacy between strangers (the idea is to promote mutual vulnerability, which fosters closeness). For more QT, try a new recipe and prepare a meal -- and then clean up -- together. Turn up the music and sing and dance. Look into each other’s eyes. The goal is to have fun and get to know each other better. 

Share in something that’s important to your partner. You might share a spiritual practice or a grounding ritual like meditation. Or perhaps you can share a passion -- something special or even something silly -- that you both might enjoy doing together. Invite them to take a dance class (ballroom, step, tango, salsa -- the options are endless), a cooking class, a paint-n-sip, a power walk in the park, a bicycle ride, or a visit to their favorite museum. The key is that it’s something you both believe you will enjoy, and that it will give you the chance to learn something new about your boo.

Know their “love language.” We all process love differently, and by understanding your partner’s “love language” -- according to Dr. Gary Chapman’s long-standing bestseller The 5 Love Languages -- you can communicate your love to them in a way that resonates most deeply with them. The five love languages are 1) words of affirmation 2) acts of service 3) receiving gifts 4) quality time and 5) personal touch. Understanding their love languages helps you know what you respond to as well as what makes your partner feel loved.

Do you and your partner need to rekindle your connection? If you’re a New York couple looking to reconnect, join us for our Better Together events -- relationship-enrichment workshops for married couples, baes and boos. Click here to find out more. 

Robin D. Stone is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Positive Psychology Associates in Manhattan. She is the author of No Secret, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal from Sexual Abuse and lead writer of the Essence book, The Black Women’s Guide to Healthy Living. Robin is currently developing an expressive arts wellness center in Harlem, New York. Learn more about Robin’s services and connect with her at robinstone.com.

'Language, for traditionally oral peoples, is not a specific human possession,
but is a property of the animate earth, in which we humans participate.'  
David Abram, Becoming Animal: An Earthly Cosmology

On a bright, sunny Sunday, the crisper, cooler weather enticed my fiancé, Rodney, and me outside to play.

Last weekend we took to the trails at the Celery Farm nature preserve, a 107-acre freshwater wetland in Allendale, N.J. (he’s a New Jerseyan by way of Brooklyn, and the outing was his idea). We walked for an hour or so in the late summer sun, climbing observation towers and checking out the chipmunks and butterflies scurrying here and there, and the turtles, herons, and mallards hanging out on Lake Appert. We also took more than a few self-ies (or us-ies, depending on your perspective). And we stopped to listen

When was the last time you actually listened to a forest, or a meadow or a field? Listened to the trees shhh-shhhing? The crickets sceeting? The hawks cawing? The earth breathing? You have to be still to hear, and it’s worth being still because they have so much to say.

Yes, we boosted our vitamin D from time in the sun, we upped our heart rate by ambling over roots, twigs and stones; and we spent good time enjoying each other’s company.

We also connected with the universe. Being outside, surrounded by nature, makes me feel grateful to be alive, and humbled to be a small part of this never-ending cycle of birth, life, and death. It reminds me of how we humans are but bit players on this broad stage of species; in our absence the show definitely will go on. I appreciate my time here, my place in this space, and my fellow inhabitants, and I leave de-stressed, and with my head cleared of cobwebs of less important things.  

As a city girl, I don’t venture outdoors enough. My idea of getting out usually is a walk along the Hudson River and a jog around my Harlem neighborhood track. That’s good, but it's not exactly connecting with the universe.

If doctors prescribed an escape to the park, to a trail, or even to a community garden, we’d all be better off for having stopped to listen and cultivate a closer, more meaningful relationship with nature, with the universe and with ourselves. Of the three, we humans stand to benefit most of all.

On our way back to his home, Rodney and I stopped at a farmer’s market to pick up ingredients for that night’s dinner (grilled chicken legs and thighs, summer corn salad, Greek salad and garlicky guacamole). As we headed to my home in the city later that night, I wondered what the herons and mallards were saying, and looked forward to returning to hear them again.