Every February, Valentine’s Day serves as a reminder to let our romantic partners know we care about them and just how important they are to us. We might pick up a corny greeting card, box of chocolates, or plan a special dinner date out. But what if we took it a step further and used this opportunity to be more intentional and make a commitment to deepen our relationship? 

Even if you are content with your partnership, you can easily fall into routines or patterns and let your relationship coast on auto-pilot. If you have children or demanding jobs, finding quality time to spend together can be especially hard. Sex may be good but infrequent at best. Regardless of how long you’ve been together, it’s worth the effort to make your relationship just that much juicier.

How to get started? Experts at the Gottman Institute have spent decades studying married couples to uncover the secrets to happy, healthy relationships. They use the metaphor of a “Sound Relationship House” to describe scientifically proven foundational building blocks for sturdy, lasting bonds. I’d like to focus on three of the principles they have identified that you can adopt to strengthen your relationship starting today.

The following are tried-and-true ways to reconnect with your partner and keep the passion of your relationship alive and thriving.

Express Fondness and Appreciation. Yes, you love and respect your partner, but how often do you let them know? Don’t assume they can read your mind or that they already know. They need to hear it. If your partner always takes responsibility for certain chores or fixing things around the house, acknowledge that by saying something like: “I really appreciate how you ______ (fill in the specific act that they do). I love how you take care of us.” Maybe your boo volunteers or makes a point of donating time or money to those in need. You could say, “I really admire how you look out for our community.” 

The point is to identify what you appreciate about your partner and vocalize it, connecting the behavior to its impact on you and others. You could make a goal of expressing your fondness at least once per day. This practice will not only make your partner feel good, it keeps you focused on the positive, which can help sustain your partnership in times of conflict or stress. 

Turn Toward. Your partner might reach out for attention or comfort, verbally or through unspoken body language. For example, they might unexpectedly grab your hand or share a detail about their day. That is what the Gottmans refer to as a “bid” for connection or support. It’s key to stay tuned to those bids and to turn toward your partner in response, i.e., receive and squeeze their hand or say something like, “Really? Tell me more about that.” 

When you make the commitment to turn toward your partner rather than ignore their signals or reject them, you communicate that you are open and receptive to their needs. If your partner tells you about something that happened to them at work or about a goal they reached, it’s time to put down the phone, turn off the TV, and give them your full, undivided attention. You can reinforce this by physically turning toward your partner and making eye contact. Here’s your opportunity to listen and make your loved one know you hear them. If your partner is troubled, you can validate their feelings by saying, “That sounds hard” or “I’m sorry you’re so frustrated by what happened.” No need to solve the problem; just empathize. This habit will encourage your partner to respond in kind when you are seeking support or acknowledgement. 

Positive Regard. Expressing fondness and turning toward your partner are building blocks of positive regard. By deciding to accentuate the positive about your partner, you focus your attention on their good qualities and contributions to the relationship rather than on the negative. It’s easy to notice what they didn’t do or to criticize this thing or that, but a negative perspective only undermines your bond. While as human beings, we may be wired to look for what’s wrong to protect ourselves, we can’t let that tendency drown out the good. 

Developing positive regard for your partner is not a passive step but an active effort. What do you appreciate and admire most about your partner? Make a point of bringing those characteristics or behaviors into focus. Let the small stuff slide and give your partner the benefit of the doubt if they make a mistake. This principle will fill the well of positivity that you can rely on when conflicts arise. It can also create a culture of positivity in the relationship that benefits you too.

These principles may seem deceptively simple but they are effective techniques for building strong, lasting relationships. I often assign clients homework of expressing positive regard at least once a day, and we can quickly see how that creates a shift in their behavior and feelings toward each other. Put them into practice in addition to buying that box of chocolates (dark chocolate, please). 

If you and your partner are interested in learning three powerful ways to make love last, attend my upcoming workshop, "Heartsongs" for couples only on February 25th. We'll use literature and lyrics to help you deepen your intimacy, connect with compassion and more.

In recent weeks, news of high-profile acts of bullying flooded our TV screens and social media. Among them, is the outrageous disrespect that soon-to-be Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson endured during days of hostile questioning from opportunistic Senators, and actor Will Smith’s assault of comedian Chris Rock for telling an insensitive joke about Smith’s wife, Jada Pinkett Smith. (In this case, one might see the bully in Chris Rock as well as in Will Smith.)

But bullies menace outside of politics and entertainment, as many of us, might remember from the playgrounds of our childhood. Some of us face bullies every day – at work and even within our own families. What’s important is that you know how to spot them, and how to survive them.

A bully is someone who abuses their power to intimidate or harm another person. This abuse can be emotional or physical. A bully’s power can stem from their official position – like a senator who has the authority to deny a nominee their confirmation, a boss who has the ability to hire or fire, or an older family member or more senior member of a group – or their physical size and strength. Power can also be derived from economic or social standing, which might come from being socially savvy or perceived as popular or charismatic. Either way, the threat felt by the person being bullied is real and frightening.

A bully could be motivated by the need for attention or resentment regarding their status or the unfairness of life. Some bullies, like an intimidating boss or co-worker, may be jealous or want to rob a more vulnerable individual of a real or perceived advantage, like better skills or popularity. 

For African-Americans, bullying can be doubly harmful because it’s motivated by racism from those who resent perceived “preferences,” or who fear a loss of their status in the workplace or in society. 

Whatever the motivation, the target of bullying can experience lasting harm. Ongoing bullying can cause distress and trauma, especially if it echoes childhood experiences or family dynamics, exposing long-dormant traumas. The experience can make you fearful and avoidant, and lead to anxiety and depression among other mental health issues.  Over time, the stress from ongoing bullying can lead to physical health effects such as high blood pressure. To avoid these problems, here are some steps to stand up to the bully in your life.

• Check-in with yourself. Acknowledge what’s happening to you, how you feel about it, and how those feelings might echo feelings from your past. Does it bring up memories of being bullied as a child? Taking this step of mindfulness will help you connect today’s discomfort with earlier times when you felt vulnerable.

• Write it out. In your journal, write “I feel ________  when I have to interact with this person.” You might be feeling intimidated, small, or afraid to confront the individual or situation in a work context. Whatever the emotion, get it out on paper so you can face it. 

• Speak up. If you feel safe, consider raising the issue directly with the bully. If you’re at work, you may want to discuss it in terms of what you need to do your job effectively. Remain positive and keep the focus on how the bullying behavior affects not only you personally but also how it affects your ability to work. You may also want to write what you intend to say in advance.

• Get help. On the job, you might discuss the issue confidentially with someone in human resources. That way, you go on record as experiencing difficulty in the workplace that is affecting your ability to do your job effectively – and that HR should respond to. 

• Talk to someone. Discuss the problem with peers or a friend or a mentor outside the workplace to get advice and perspective. If you have trusted allies on the job, share the problem with them; you may find you’re not alone in suffering under a bully.

• Document, document. If the bullying is ongoing, keep a record of it, including dates, times, specific conversations, and examples of bad behavior. You may find this documentation useful if you need to get legal advice. 

• Don’t take it personally. Sometimes victims of bullying start to think that something is wrong with them. Recognize the problem lies within the bully, not you. Be compassionate with yourself.

• Consider your exit. No job is worth your emotional and physical health. If the situation does not improve and your employer doesn’t help, update your resume and start looking for greener pastures. 

• Seek mental health support. Talk to a therapist or consider group therapy to help you cope and recover. 

You do not have to accept a bully’s abuse. It may take time to change a situation, but protecting yourself is too important. By taking action, you send a message to the bully, and more importantly, to yourself, that you deserve better.   

Despite easier access to make connections and to try to find a love match, many people have a hate-hate relationship with dating. First dates may feel awkward, building online profiles may feel tedious, managing them may feel like yet another to-do on your list, and – no matter how hard you try – you will probably mismatch somewhere along the way. If you’re recovering from a broken heart, or your heart is hardened from years of strife, you may have a hard time being vulnerable again.

But before you give up, consider a fresh perspective and take the approach of “mindful dating.” Dating mindfully means bringing awareness and curiosity to your journey and seeing it as a learning experience. Dating mindfully allows you to be intentional, engaged, and proactive rather than passive, defensive, and reactive. 

Here are some qualities you can develop or strengthen through mindful dating:

• Clarity: As you connect with different people, you can fine-tune what you like and don’t like in your ideal partner. No need to play games or string anybody along if you know you’re not interested. 
  

• Self-reflection. You can learn to spot patterns in behavior – positive and negative – and recognize patterns in potential partners as well. 
  

• Resilience: You’ll learn to move through rejection when things don’t work out – whether you decided it wasn’t a good fit or the other person did. Knowing that you can bounce back can give you the courage to try again. 
  

• Confidence: Knowing that you have options and that you’re choosing to meet new people can empower you and boost your self-esteem. I like to think of dating as akin to attending a cocktail party. You go with the intention of having fun, meeting interesting people, and being interesting yourself. You don’t expect to put too much emphasis on any one person because you are in meet-and-mingle mode. At a party, there will be some people you click with more than others. The same goes for dating. 
  

• Self-respect: Responding to people who behave badly (like “ghosting,” an unfortunate reality of today’s dating culture), gives you an opportunity to refine your boundaries and improve your ability to maintain them.
  

• Assertiveness: Ask for what you want, and make clear what you don’t want. You might feel vulnerable and worry about “losing” a potential partner if you speak up; but know that the person you’re looking for is one who appreciates your authenticity and is not intimidated by you.

Dating doesn’t have to be a dreaded to-do. You have the power to decide how you want to enter into this experience, so set your intentions. Mindful dating allows you to come to the table knowing not only what you have to offer, but also what you can learn. Whether you meet the love of your life or a really good friend, you can become a better version of yourself. 

By the time couples come to see me to get support for a struggling relationship, many of them are already in crisis. They’re not speaking about issues that matter, or they’re arguing incessantly, or they’re stepping out on each other and on the verge of separation or divorce. At this point, one of the first questions I often ask is: Are you here to save your relationship or to find an amicable way to end it?

If partners are committed to staying together, I encourage them to focus on remembering why they became friends in the first place as a way to begin reinforcing the foundation of their relationship. At the heart of every healthy romantic relationship are some basic building blocks of friendship. You may need to return to these fundamentals to reconnect with each other. Or you may have been together for years, but this is all new to you. Either way, going back to the basics can take your relationship to a deeper level.

Here are seven ways to be each other’s best friend (again):

Listen with intent. Let your partner know that you not only hear the words they’re saying, but that you get the meaning of what they’re saying. If they’re animated and say they had a great day at work, they aced the presentation and the clients gave good feedback, then you could say: “Great, hon!” and keep it moving. OR, you could mirror their energy and say, “You seem really happy about how well the presentation went. Sounds like the clients really liked it!”

This reflection shows your partner that you understand the meaning of what they said and creates an opening that allows them to tell you more about the experience. They know you’re engaged and right there with them. That doesn’t mean to solve a problem (unless they ask for help to do so), but to empathize with them (“I can see how you’d be frustrated by the situation.”) Another way to encourage them to share more is to ask open-ended questions (that generate more than one-word answers) with genuine curiosity, like “Is there anything more?” or “What do you need from me right now?” This also opens a path for them to go deeper. These deep-listening skills can help you both feel heard in times of conflict.

Tune in to each other. Listening goes beyond reflecting. Tune in when your partner reaches out for your attention. For example, if he loves the TV show Power, and excitedly describes a scene he just saw, get into his enthusiasm for the drama -- even if Power isn’t your thing. Instead of, “I don’t know why you like that crazy show,” try something like, “I know you love that crazy Tommy! What makes you like that character so much?” This way of engaging, which is known as “Turning Toward” in the Gottman Method of couple’s therapy, can go a long way toward connecting with your partner, especially when they’re trying to connect with you. 

Know each other’s internal world. Who’s your partner’s best friend? What’s the name of that super supportive co-worker, or the one who gets on their nerves? Who’s the favorite cousin they grew up with who is more like a sibling to them? These details are part of your partner’s internal world, and knowing them helps you understand your partner on a deeper level. Learn the sports teams they follow, their favorite players, the type of wine they favor, and the people who affect the quality of their days. Invest your time and attention in knowing their world -- outside of your world together.

Show appreciation for each other. How often do you explicitly thank your partner? You might think they already know that you appreciate them or that you express it in other ways (i.e., sex or a general “I love you”).  However, by hearing your gratitude for a specific action can make them feel not only loved but seen. Go deeper than admiring how they look or thanking them for the chores they do every week. Did you like how he took the lead on researching furniture prices for your new apartment together? Tell him you appreciated how he stepped up to find that perfect sofa. Then say why it mattered: Maybe it made you feel taken care of, or maybe it showed how much he cared about making the space reflect both of you. 

Also tell him something you admire about him: how he strives to keep his word, or his dedication to supporting the seniors at church. Letting your partner know you value them is another way of showing your love.

Spend quality time. Turn off the TV, sideline your devices and have a real conversation. Not about politics or the latest news story; but about goals, dreams, concerns or fears. For a little help, consider the 36 questions in a provocative study that explores accelerating intimacy between strangers (the idea is to promote mutual vulnerability, which fosters closeness). For more QT, try a new recipe and prepare a meal -- and then clean up -- together. Turn up the music and sing and dance. Look into each other’s eyes. The goal is to have fun and get to know each other better. 

Share in something that’s important to your partner. You might share a spiritual practice or a grounding ritual like meditation. Or perhaps you can share a passion -- something special or even something silly -- that you both might enjoy doing together. Invite them to take a dance class (ballroom, step, tango, salsa -- the options are endless), a cooking class, a paint-n-sip, a power walk in the park, a bicycle ride, or a visit to their favorite museum. The key is that it’s something you both believe you will enjoy, and that it will give you the chance to learn something new about your boo.

Know their “love language.” We all process love differently, and by understanding your partner’s “love language” -- according to Dr. Gary Chapman’s long-standing bestseller The 5 Love Languages -- you can communicate your love to them in a way that resonates most deeply with them. The five love languages are 1) words of affirmation 2) acts of service 3) receiving gifts 4) quality time and 5) personal touch. Understanding their love languages helps you know what you respond to as well as what makes your partner feel loved.

Do you and your partner need to rekindle your connection? If you’re a New York couple looking to reconnect, join us for our Better Together events -- relationship-enrichment workshops for married couples, baes and boos. Click here to find out more. 

Robin D. Stone is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Positive Psychology Associates in Manhattan. She is the author of No Secret, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal from Sexual Abuse and lead writer of the Essence book, The Black Women’s Guide to Healthy Living. Robin is currently developing an expressive arts wellness center in Harlem, New York. Learn more about Robin’s services and connect with her at robinstone.com.

A new year brings new intentions, and one way to get intentional about your well-being is to consider not just what you eat but how and why. You can do that by getting to know the history and healthy interpretations of your food.

Cookbooks – and books about cooking – are great not just for recipes, but also for understanding cultural and collective history, or how we come to eat what we do, and why. The more you know about Afro-inspired cooking, the more you understand how our legacy goes beyond the poverty cooking of the plantation and includes the high art of infusing fresh, flavorful ingredients with creativity and hints of home – wherever home may be.

Consider these recently published reads as you recommit to your health and wellness in 2016:
 

The Jemima Code: Two Centuries of African American Cookbooks

In The Jemima Code, Toni Tipton-Martin, an award-winning food journalist and activist, explores her huge collection of rare cookbook titles from the early 1800s to the late 1980s. Though Black women have always had an integral role in the cultural history of food and cooking, we have often been written out of that narrative, relegated to servitude in Big House and behind the closed doors in White Folks’ kitchens.  Martin looks beyond ingredient lists and instructions to reveal culinary competencies and artistry, and shows much love for the intuition that Black women have used in their cooking for centuries.

The Up South Cookbook: Chasing Dixie in a Brooklyn Kitchen

Author Nicole A. Taylor, a Georgia native, mixes her Southern taste buds with the Brooklyn foodie scene, bringing a fresh eye and a modern twist to recipes like Grits with New York State Cheddar and Blue Cheese, Collard Greens Pesto with Pasta and Apple and Bok Choy Salad. Sweet or savory, you’ll find pages of downhome favorites.

Soul Food Love: Healthy Recipes Inspired by One Hundred Years of Cooking in a Black Family

As their website shares, the mother-daughter duo of Alice Randall and Caroline Randall Williams “reclaims and redefines soul food by mining the traditions of four generations of Black women and creating 80 healthy recipes to help everyone live longer and stronger.” Rich in family lore and favored dishes like DeFord’s Spicy Roasted Sweet Potatoes with Pomegranate, Soul Food Love is an affirming, intergenerational look at food, health and history.
 

Afro-Vegan: Farm-Fresh African, Caribbean, and Southern Flavors Remixed

Whether cooking inspiring and hearty meals for crowds or packing a lunch for his daughter, Bryant Terry, an award-winning chef, educator, food justice activist and author based in San Francisco, brings bold flavor and color to the plate. With recipes like Crispy Teff and Grit Cakes with Eggplant, Tomatoes, and Peanuts, which combines the Ethiopian grain teff with grits from the Deep South and North African zalook dip, Terry reimagines familiar dishes and serves them up with a nod to their global origins. A great option for meatless Mondays and beyond.

Author Alice Randall has no trouble calling folks out. The writer of four books, including The Wind Done Gone, a provocative take on the “classic” novel ­­Gone With the Wind, does it again through Ada’s Rules: A Sexy Skinny Novel  (Bloomsbury, $15), a charming novel that’s part love story, part diet guide, now in paperback.

Eyes rolled big time when Randall opined last year in The New York Times that “Black women are fat because they want to be.” If you could get past the offense, you could hear her urgent cry that Black people – women in particular, who have a higher obesity rate than men or women of other races – need an attitude adjustment on eating and living more healthfully. 

The larger point, she says: “What we need is a body-culture revolution in Black America.”

She tries to make that point through Ada Howard, the feisty yet vulnerable protagonist in Ada’s Rules. In the course of a year, Ada changes her diet, adds more exercise, spends less time taking care of husband, ailing parents, and everybody else so she can take better care of herself, and encourages her family and friends to improve their health too.  And all the while, Ada’s trying to determine whether her preoccupied hubby, pastor of Nashville’s Full Love Baptist Tabernacle, is transgressing with one of the flock. In the end, if you follow even some of Ada’s 53 rules, you will be on your way toward positive changes that you might see reflected on the scale.

Why a Black woman’s weight-loss story when it seems everybody else is struggling with weight? It’s personal, says Randall, who’s dropped 40 lbs. “I’ve said I want to be the last fat Black woman in my family, and that struck a chord in people’s heart. At the rate we’re going, frankly there will be no old Black ladies in the next generation.”

Here’s what else she had to say:

HealthJones: You share your own struggle with weight loss. How did that influence Ada’s Rules?

Randall: I decided to go on a weight loss journey to get under 200 pounds or have the [weight-loss] surgery. I was reading and getting advice and decided that if I wrote a book at the same time, that would help me stay focused on my goals. I wouldn’t do anything a poor woman couldn’t do. No personal trainer, no one to cook in the house. I wanted to identify low-cost and no-cost ways. The rules came to me as I figured out what worked. I consider myself to be an Ada.

I lost about 40 plus pounds. That’s important because losing just 10 percent of your weight leads to major health improvements. I started at over 225, so just 22.5 pounds equals 10 percent of your body weight – you see a reduction in diabetes risk and cancer risk. I want to empower women to aim for that 10 percent in weight loss. For me, I focused on just getting to 200 pounds. That was a good goal – it got me past 10 percent.

HealthJones: You said black women are fat because they want to be. Why do you say this?

Randall: It’s not just about are you overweight because this is what your husband likes. Many Black men and women appreciate larger Black women. It’s not just a sexual or romantic connection. Think about our grandmothers – my grandmother was big as two houses. I say that admiringly. No one can convince me that she wasn’t the most beautiful woman in the world.

Being larger can be the embodiment of political disobedience when your family’s labor has been commodified. Labor and fitness are no longer a simple thing when your fitness has been used for the benefit of others. So the choice can not to be fit can be a political choice.

I grew up in Detroit. My grandmother came up from Selma, Ala. She was born in 1900s. In 1900 Selma, Black women went to the fields to pick cotton from day they were children. If you were a sharecropper working somebody’s land you didn’t get fat. That a Black woman could sit on the porch and get fat was a cultural revolution. We need a new cultural revolution.

HealthJones: In the book, Ada struggles with issues that many may find familiar. What did you want to explore though Ada?

Randall: Low self-esteem; I was was speaking to that. Stress. There are strong relationships between stress, overwork, a history of sexual abuse, workplace trauma and lack of respect.  That’s why one of Ada’s rules is massage your own feet. So much is not in our control. You may not be able to control what causes stress but you can control the processing of stress.

HealthJones: How do you address that cultural change in your own home, say when your sweetie thinks you’re fine just the way you are?

Randall: I had to tell my husband [David] if he did not get out of my way … and I really like him! He liked to encourage me to eat something or figure out some reason to not get on the treadmill. He was benefitting when I was overweight – all the decadent meals. But I introduced him to high-protein Greek yogurt, to scrambled egg whites with spinach. He’s now benefitting with a wife who’s healthier and happier and more peaceful.

HealthJones: What do you want readers to take away from Ada’s Rules?

Randall: I want women know they can enjoy their bodies and their lives more if they take care of their health. Even if they don’t lose one pound, just moving, drinking water and sleeping more has emotional benefits, spiritual benefits. And everybody needs to do it her own way. I want them to put themselves on their own to-do list – it’s a way of showing self-respect.