By the time couples come to see me to get support for a struggling relationship, many of them are already in crisis. They’re not speaking about issues that matter, or they’re arguing incessantly, or they’re stepping out on each other and on the verge of separation or divorce. At this point, one of the first questions I often ask is: Are you here to save your relationship or to find an amicable way to end it?

If partners are committed to staying together, I encourage them to focus on remembering why they became friends in the first place as a way to begin reinforcing the foundation of their relationship. At the heart of every healthy romantic relationship are some basic building blocks of friendship. You may need to return to these fundamentals to reconnect with each other. Or you may have been together for years, but this is all new to you. Either way, going back to the basics can take your relationship to a deeper level.

Here are seven ways to be each other’s best friend (again):

Listen with intent. Let your partner know that you not only hear the words they’re saying, but that you get the meaning of what they’re saying. If they’re animated and say they had a great day at work, they aced the presentation and the clients gave good feedback, then you could say: “Great, hon!” and keep it moving. OR, you could mirror their energy and say, “You seem really happy about how well the presentation went. Sounds like the clients really liked it!”

This reflection shows your partner that you understand the meaning of what they said and creates an opening that allows them to tell you more about the experience. They know you’re engaged and right there with them. That doesn’t mean to solve a problem (unless they ask for help to do so), but to empathize with them (“I can see how you’d be frustrated by the situation.”) Another way to encourage them to share more is to ask open-ended questions (that generate more than one-word answers) with genuine curiosity, like “Is there anything more?” or “What do you need from me right now?” This also opens a path for them to go deeper. These deep-listening skills can help you both feel heard in times of conflict.

Tune in to each other. Listening goes beyond reflecting. Tune in when your partner reaches out for your attention. For example, if he loves the TV show Power, and excitedly describes a scene he just saw, get into his enthusiasm for the drama -- even if Power isn’t your thing. Instead of, “I don’t know why you like that crazy show,” try something like, “I know you love that crazy Tommy! What makes you like that character so much?” This way of engaging, which is known as “Turning Toward” in the Gottman Method of couple’s therapy, can go a long way toward connecting with your partner, especially when they’re trying to connect with you. 

Know each other’s internal world. Who’s your partner’s best friend? What’s the name of that super supportive co-worker, or the one who gets on their nerves? Who’s the favorite cousin they grew up with who is more like a sibling to them? These details are part of your partner’s internal world, and knowing them helps you understand your partner on a deeper level. Learn the sports teams they follow, their favorite players, the type of wine they favor, and the people who affect the quality of their days. Invest your time and attention in knowing their world -- outside of your world together.

Show appreciation for each other. How often do you explicitly thank your partner? You might think they already know that you appreciate them or that you express it in other ways (i.e., sex or a general “I love you”).  However, by hearing your gratitude for a specific action can make them feel not only loved but seen. Go deeper than admiring how they look or thanking them for the chores they do every week. Did you like how he took the lead on researching furniture prices for your new apartment together? Tell him you appreciated how he stepped up to find that perfect sofa. Then say why it mattered: Maybe it made you feel taken care of, or maybe it showed how much he cared about making the space reflect both of you. 

Also tell him something you admire about him: how he strives to keep his word, or his dedication to supporting the seniors at church. Letting your partner know you value them is another way of showing your love.

Spend quality time. Turn off the TV, sideline your devices and have a real conversation. Not about politics or the latest news story; but about goals, dreams, concerns or fears. For a little help, consider the 36 questions in a provocative study that explores accelerating intimacy between strangers (the idea is to promote mutual vulnerability, which fosters closeness). For more QT, try a new recipe and prepare a meal -- and then clean up -- together. Turn up the music and sing and dance. Look into each other’s eyes. The goal is to have fun and get to know each other better. 

Share in something that’s important to your partner. You might share a spiritual practice or a grounding ritual like meditation. Or perhaps you can share a passion -- something special or even something silly -- that you both might enjoy doing together. Invite them to take a dance class (ballroom, step, tango, salsa -- the options are endless), a cooking class, a paint-n-sip, a power walk in the park, a bicycle ride, or a visit to their favorite museum. The key is that it’s something you both believe you will enjoy, and that it will give you the chance to learn something new about your boo.

Know their “love language.” We all process love differently, and by understanding your partner’s “love language” -- according to Dr. Gary Chapman’s long-standing bestseller The 5 Love Languages -- you can communicate your love to them in a way that resonates most deeply with them. The five love languages are 1) words of affirmation 2) acts of service 3) receiving gifts 4) quality time and 5) personal touch. Understanding their love languages helps you know what you respond to as well as what makes your partner feel loved.

Do you and your partner need to rekindle your connection? If you’re a New York couple looking to reconnect, join us for our Better Together events -- relationship-enrichment workshops for married couples, baes and boos. Click here to find out more. 

Robin D. Stone is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Positive Psychology Associates in Manhattan. She is the author of No Secret, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal from Sexual Abuse and lead writer of the Essence book, The Black Women’s Guide to Healthy Living. Robin is currently developing an expressive arts wellness center in Harlem, New York. Learn more about Robin’s services and connect with her at robinstone.com.