Most of us are familiar with the saying, “in my feelings” -- you may have even used it yourself. The phrase is so popular that it’s reflected in songs by chart-topping artists like singer Ella Mai and rapper Drake. You might also say you “feel some type of way” -- which is an example of saying you’re “in your feelings,” but it is often reserved for describing something negative. But what are you really trying to say -- and why is it so important to be clear?

First, let’s understand what feelings really are. Feelings, which reflect emotions, are a result of your body registering information from your brain. You will often experience a physical reaction. For example, a knot in your gut might be related to excitement or fear, while a fluttering in your belly may be a sign of nervousness. The reactions can be different for different people. A flushed face could signal embarrassment for some, but anger for others. Your feelings and your physical sensations ride in tandem. It’s important that you are aware of these sensations to determine what’s coming up for you. We’re often so in our heads and focused on what we’re thinking and not how we’re feeling. 

It’s no wonder: because so many of us are socialized to not express our feelings, we may never have learned how to be in touch with them. You may remember as a child -- boys especially -- being told not to cry after you scraped your knee, or having an adult tell you “be a big girl” if you express sadness or disappointment. Those people, even if well-intended, likely were trying to get you to stop expressing your feelings because of their own discomfort with what your emotions were bringing up for them.

The phrase “in your feelings” might also be used as a coping mechanism, much like using the phrases “it’s all good” and “I’mma just keep it moving.” It’s a way to say “something’s bothering me, but I’m not going to put my finger on it” -- and by not doing that you cheat yourself out of really understanding what's going on with you. 

As a result, you will struggle to articulate the impact something has on you and to make it clear how you may need a situation to change. This may lead to you feeling “stuck” -- in a toxic relationship or in an unfulfilling job -- because you haven’t identified or communicated what’s really bothering you. It takes self-awareness -- listening to your body -- to know how you feel.

One of my goals as a therapist is to help clients become more fluent in how to interpret their feelings. You may have a hard time naming a feeling and say something like, “He disrespected me.” That’s not a feeling, so my reply to you might be, “You think he disrespected you. But how does that lead you to feel?” I would leave space for you to explore what’s coming up in your body. The feeling from being disrespected may be sad, or embarrassed, or pissed off. 

Here are three simple techniques you can use to better understand and express yourself whenever you feel like you’re in your feelings:

1. Practice mindfulness, or awareness and curiosity without judgement. It can be as simple as five minutes of stillness and deep breathing. Pay attention to what you feel in your body when you have to work with a colleague who you generally try to avoid, or when you need to have a real talk with your partner. Mindfulness is a muscle. The more you practice it, the stronger and better it gets.
   
   

2. Take note. Sometimes, I’ll encourage clients to jot down those physical sensations when they happen and note what was going on. The next time we meet, they share their experiences and I help them connect those physical sensations to the emotions they experienced, and how they influence their behaviors. Over time they will learn how to make the important connection between those sensations and their feelings, thoughts and behaviors.
   
   

3. Name your feelings. Ask yourself some questions and use a feeling chart, such as the Gottman Institute’s Feeling Wheel to help you explore the wide range of feelings that you experience but may not be able to identify -- whether that’s anger, loneliness, or another emotion. Or perhaps you're experiencing joy, and you want to be able to connect those dots, too. Maybe sitting in the park, having your toes in the sand at the beach or a certain food or smell makes you nostalgic. Take notice of what those joyful feelings feel like, where they come from, and learn how to stay in that space or get back there when you need to.
   
   

   Our feelings are there to provide us with information. The more fluent you are in that language, the better you will be able to discern the information that you’re receiving. This can help you be truer to yourself and respond in an authentic way. With practice, you can become fluent in the language of feelings.

Photo Credit Artem Varnitsin from Canva

We’ve been through a lot over the past year, and we’re still going through it. There has been so much loss, so much suffering, and living on the edge. Not long ago, just going to -- or going to work at -- the grocery store was wrought with anxiety. For some, it still is.

Reflecting on this time makes me think of how often I’ve heard everyone from clients to friends compare themselves to other people who have made dramatic life changes during quarantine like starting a new business or drafting a novel, and feel as if they haven’t done enough. After I remind them that comparing yourself to others rarely makes you feel good (hello, social media), I remind them that they survived. And in this particularly dreadful year that we’ve come through, surviving is enough. There is beauty in that resilience.

This calls to mind Alice Walker’s poem called “The World Has Changed.” She wrote it in the wake of Barack Obama’s first presidential win. It was a dose of reality for those who still couldn't believe a Black man could actually become president, and who feared that harm would come to him. The world has undergone monumental changes since then and we survived those, too. 

Walker’s poem is just as relevant today. It opens with a call to action: 

… Wake up & smell*

The possibility. 

The world 

Has changed:

It did not 

Change

Without 

Your prayers 

Without

Your faith

Without 

Your determination

to

Believe

in liberation

&

Kindness; … 

It reminds us that we made it through rough times and did hard things. There were moments when you laughed or even cried. There were moments that blurred together -- months of days on repeat. There were moments when you were bone-tired when you were snippy with those you love when you turned to comfort food way too much. You may have felt guilty for surviving, but you kept going because what else were you going to do? And through the most awful moments, you emerged resiliently. 

You didn’t have to write a book or finish a dissertation —  that’s great if you did, but for some of us, just getting through with our sanity and a sense of peace is enough. 

However you emerge from a year of Covid should be celebrated -- it’s different for everyone.

As we look back on the past year, and consider how our world has changed, and remind ourselves that surviving is success in and of itself, take a moment to consider the lessons we’ve learned and how we’ve grown. Grab your journal and answer these two questions: 

What has the past year woken you up to? 

What gifts do you have that helped you make it through the year, and how can those gifts help you going forward?  

It’s true that the world has changed, but as Walker wrote, it did not change without your strength. 

* From Alice Walker’s Hard Times Require Furious Dancing.