Even amid heartache, it’s possible to turn an ending into the chance for a new beginning

“Grief is a journey,” actor Regina King told Robin Roberts recently during a tender interview about the loss of King’s son, Ian Alexander, Jr., to suicide in 2022 at the age of 26. “I understand that grief is love that has no place to go." 

Those thoughtful words beautifully captured the difficulty of dealing with loss. The interview was widely viewed and shared in part because it was the first time the popular star had done a TV interview about losing her son. It was also notable because of the deep wisdom King expressed about moving through grief without losing her connection to her son. At the Oscars ceremony in March, she honored Ian by wearing a gown in his favorite color, orange. In the interview she used the term  "Ian-spirations" to refer to moments when she still feels his presence.

On Mothers Day, families will gather to celebrate their matriarchs or make calls to moms and bonus moms who live far away. For many, it will be a festive time. But others will experience sadness over the loss of a beloved parent. And still others, like King, who are mothers, will be reminded of a child who died too soon. If you find yourself struggling with feelings of loss, it’s okay to pause and acknowledge that as you also consider how to move through grief and move forward with your life without letting go of the memory of your loved one.

Black people are accustomed to loss. Our ancestors were ripped from their communities in Africa, creating deep wounds that have affected generations.

Black people are accustomed to loss. Our ancestors were ripped from their communities in Africa, creating deep wounds that have affected generations. During slavery, our families were often torn apart, never to see one another again. More recently, during the Great Migration, African Americans left family in the Jim Crow South to seek a better but uncertain life in the North and West. 

Today, we still often face the loss of loved ones or community members to police or gun violence. Black women are at higher risk of maternal mortality and infant mortality, making even the joy of pregnancy a precarious experience for us and our families. During the COVID pandemic, which affected our families disproportionately, we suffered loss of loved ones, jobs, homes and security. 

This history of loss has exposed us to generational trauma and the loneliness, depression and grief that can result. For some of us, the legacy of loss can show up as constant roaming, or difficulty in maintaining roots or feeling as if we fit in. Or our feelings can harden into anger, skepticism and an inability to be vulnerable and connect with others, which further deepens our sense of loss.  

Yet as a people, we have also survived and shown remarkable resilience. Despite loss, we continue to make a way out of no way.

Yet as a people, we have also survived and shown remarkable resilience. Despite loss, we continue to make a way out of no way. Social work experts Elmer P. Martin and Joanne Mitchell Martin developed a framework for Black people coping with loss that describes three concepts: moaning (Black pain and grief); mourning (a collective effort to overcome grief); and morning (a new beginning). 

Below, I will focus on the “morning” phase, or the sense of hope and faith that keeps us going. It’s tied to an African-centered principle celebrated during Kwanzaa – Kujichagulia, or self-determination – that is a key concept in a book that I am co-authoring about Black women and self-care in the face of racism. Consider these practices to help you through your grief:

Moving Through Loss

Practice gratitude. Research suggests that gratitude can help us experience more positive emotions, cope with adversity, and even improve our health and relationships. A simple way to make it a routine is to create a habit of writing down three things you are grateful for every day when you wake up or before you go to bed. The practice of writing about what you’re grateful for can help you reflect on and amplify positive moments.  

Connect with others. To avoid the isolation and loneliness that can come with loss, find a supportive group that can help you process your feelings. If you belong to a faith community, it might have such a group. A nonprofit called GriefShare is a resource for people seeking support with grief. Psychologytoday.com also provides a directory that includes support groups filtered by geographic location and issues, including grief. If you have a therapist, ask if they can refer you to a grief group. 

Embrace movement. Whether it’s dance, a walking routine or a yoga class, make a point to move your body every day. Going on a walking date with a girlfriend, partner or group can do wonders for your mind, body and spirit. Physical activity can help alleviate depression and grief by boosting your energy and feel-good hormones. Schedule time for movement like an appointment to ensure you do it regularly. 

Seek insight into mourning. Psychologist William Worden developed a framework for mourning that involves four tasks: accepting the reality of loss; experiencing the pain and grief; adjusting to the environment without your loved one; and finding an enduring connection while you embark on a new life. Regina King’s journey is an example of the fourth task in that she is embracing her life without her son, but keeping cherished moments and memories as a source of joy and strength. 

Another concept to consider is “ambiguous loss.” Coined by Pauline Boss, author of The Myth of Closure: Ambiguous Loss in a Time of Pandemic and Change, the term refers to loss that is unresolved and may be personal, communal or global. This type of loss could stem from a miscarriage, stigmatized behaviors like suicide or drug use, or loss of a relationship with a loved one because of of a condition like Alzheimer’s. In an interview Boss explains that death is inevitable but learning to cope with loss can lead to resilience.

Turn loss into lessons. Former journalist Kimberly Seals Allers responded to the high rate of maternal mortality among Black women by developing an app called Irth, which is “birth” without the “b” for bias. It offers prenatal, birthing, postpartum and pediatric reviews of care from other Black and brown women. Seals Allers founded the digital platform after experiencing disrespect during her first pregnancy and birth. “Countless studies point to the prevalence of racism and bias in provider care,” Seals Allers has about the need for Irth. “Yet Black and brown birthing people, who are disproportionately dying during and after childbirth within the hospital medical system, have no way of knowing how someone like them experienced a doctor or provider. We deserve a public platform to share with others where we are receiving good care.”

Another resource is the documentary “Aftershock,” which chronicles the experience of two families who suffered the loss of relatively young mothers who died because of pregnancy complications. This powerful film sheds light on the birth justice movement and encourages action.  

By practicing these ways of moving through loss, you can experience different ways of learning, healing and living, as I shared when I lost my mom in 2014. You can honor the person you lost and honor yourself with self-care. 

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Stay tuned for an upcoming free writing-for-wellness session on using literature and lyrics to help cope with grief and loss. We’ll connect, create, reflect and share what keeps us grounded and helps us to heal. For more information, sign up for my newsletter here: 

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The continuing rise of COVID-19 deaths and the disproportionate impact on Black folks, the killing of Breonna Taylor, the killing of Ahmaud Arbery, the killing of George Floyd—the first six months of 2020 have been a lot for us to handle. And understandably, so has the grief that we all feel. Not only are we grieving loss of life, but also the loss of our way of life in many cases where simple gestures such as a handshake or a trip to the grocery store require more contemplation than they ever had before. The important thing about grief, though, is not to avoid it, but rather to go through it so you can begin to heal.

In a recent article I wrote for Sisters from AARP, I share how you can use a framework called The Four Tasks of Mourning (by psychologist and death education expert J. William Worden), how to move through those tasks, and how to feel better over time. Click here to read the full article.

Down in front with my old Zumba crew.
 

I have never considered myself much of a fitness buff.

Family and friends, on the other hand, would beg to differ. I’ve been called a fanatic, been told that my vacations are “Outward Bound” adventures, and dubbed by my niece “that crazy health lady.”

What I am is a mover. I walk, jog, run and golf. I vibe to P90x and 20 Second Fitness. Back in the day, Tae-Bo was my thing. Before that, Jane Fonda (I’ve still got my three-part step). And way before that, I taught low-impact aerobics at a local Living Well Lady. I don’t like to sweat, but I’ve always I loved how I feel when I move my body.

Intellectually, I know how exercise boosts those feel-good chemicals called endorphins. After an intense workout session, I’ve even felt the “runner’s high” that we’ve read about. 

But it wasn’t until when I needed it most – when I was so down and out that it was hard to get out of bed and get dressed for the day – that I saw how exercise could lift you up from the depths of deep despair.

Cancer was killing my husband. The doctors referred us to hospice. My son was 10 and writing letters to his future self to come back in time and bring the cure. After a stressful day of work and tending to family, I found that nights became my friend. Before I rested, and as I said prayers for comfort, for peace, and for the strength to go on, I started walking on my treadmill. Almost every night I walked. Sometimes at 8 p.m., sometimes I got out of bed at midnight. And then I slept hard. On weekends I walked with girlfriends and at the rise-and-shine hour of 7.

I asked my therapist about medication. I hated feeling so bad. She didn’t dissuade me but she did ask, “What are you doing to take care of yourself?” I told her about all the walking, and confided that I was worried. Was it an addiction? Who walks at midnight? Keep going, my therapist assured me. I’m glad she did.

These days Americans are all too quick to reach for a prescription – after painkillers and cholesterol-lowering meds, antidepressants are the country’s most-prescribed drug. A part of the reason, as in this recent report, is that doctors are so quick to prescribe meds when movement might be enough. When you are feeling low, it’s important to know that you have a choice.

After my husband made his transition, I added meditation and golfing to the mix of what I was doing to take care of myself, and I walked and walked and walked. At some point, an older woman passed me on the neighborhood track, salt-and-pepper dreadlocks bouncing with each step. More encouraged than outdone, I started to trot. And so I became a runner. Growing up with chronic asthma, I had always told myself that vigorous exercise was beyond me. But once I started, and my asthma stayed in check, I saw how challenging exercise bolstered not only my lung capacity and my endurance, but also my spirits.

Walking gave me the motivation to get up and go on. I had a son to parent, a life to lead and dreams to fulfill. Running gave me the confidence to do more than I thought I could. Moving works. You may need more if you are down and depressed, but exercise is a good place to start. Studies show it, and I’ve lived it.

Mom and me, summer 2013
 

“I’m sorry,” Mom said when shared the diagnosis in 2008. It’s what we were supposed to say to her, yet she worried about the toll the disease would take on her family.

In July she lost a calculated and hard-fought battle against lung cancer. And yet she won in so many ways.

She chose a clinical trial, booking chemotherapy on Thursdays, wedging it into her three-league bowling schedule on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

When she lost her hair, Mom bought a wig. It was close-cropped and mousy brown. A few months later, she bought another that was bigger and blonder. “That’s more like me,” I remember her saying. In the last few weeks of her life, she had another wig on layaway, and was determined to claim it.

Long retired from the postal service, Mom spent summers traveling to places like Reno and Kansas City for her women’s bowling association, and to Martha’s Vineyard for fellowship with house loads of women and kids. When my sister Terri and I weren’t home in Michigan for holidays, Mom visited Terri in Las Vegas or me in New York City.

She kept up with her monthly women’s card club meetings and her girlfriends’ birthday club, and continued to volunteer as a poll worker on election days. She shopped too much – buying stuff that filled her closets and garage, and that often became gifts. “What else can I do?” she would ask, rolling her eyes to the ceiling. “Go sit down somewhere and wait to die?”

Clearly, Mom had no time for being sick – or for dying.

Between the bowling and the trips and the cancer that eventually consumed her body, Mom taught us about living. In these new days without her, where the wounds of her absence are still fresh and tender, I choose to remember not just the song of her voice and her loving, easy, loving manner; not just her dry wit and adventurous spirit, but also the strength of her determination. Among the many life lessons that I’ve learned from her, these resonate most profoundly and bring me comfort. Some even make me smile.

Don’t feel sorry for yourself

In the nearly six years that she battled cancer, Mom sought to keep her illness to herself and a few of those closest to her. She recalled the troubling responses to friends who had made public their diagnoses. If you don’t feel sorry for yourself, she said, you have no idea whether other people feel sorry for you, and you really don’t care.

With my son, Zach, in 2012.
 

Take a chance

She chose a clinical trial. Black folks are underrepresented in experimental treatment programs – that’s no surprise given our legacy of medical mistrust stemming from brutal and unethical “research” like the Tuskegee syphilis study. A result: doctors are not as clear about how new medical treatments might affect Black patients. There’s no way to know for sure, but I believe that taking a chance bought Mom some time. Of course rates vary for people and their circumstances, butdata show that only 1 percent of stage 4 lung cancer patients survive at least 5 years after diagnosis. Mom lived for nearly 6 years. “I thought this might help me and somebody else,” she said when I once asked what motivated her to try the experimental treatment. And then she smiled. “And they said I wouldn’t lose my hair.”

 Even in illness, your dignity matters

After the experimental treatment was followed by traditional lines of chemo, Mom’s hair had fallen out and returned in uneven patches. She kept it covered with a wig in public and a soft black cotton terrycloth turban at home.

I returned to town the week before Mom passed. When I first saw her in the hospital, I thought not about how tiny and fragile she looked, or how labored her breathing was, but where was her turban? In the rush to get Mom relief from late-stage symptoms, the turban was left at home.

At the hospital the next morning, I greeted her with a grin and a kiss, and asked, Mommy do you want your turban? She smiled and nodded yes. She raised her head slightly and I gently fit the turban on. She whispered, “thank you.” Mom wasn’t vain, but decorum was important – even when receiving company in the hospital.

Say what you need to say however you need to say it

In April, a particularly bad scare brought Terri and me to Michigan. Mom did not ooze sentimentality. We laughed but rarely cried together. As we sat near her hospital bed, Mom told us that she loved us and that she tried to do her best by us. She acknowledged that she may not have been the most effusive mom, and that she even may have been too harsh at times, but whatever she did, she did out of love. We all hugged and cried that day. Terri and I wondered why Mom seemed to be making peace when the doctors did not reflect any sense of urgency. Even so, Mom seemed relieved to share what she needed to share.

Mom's 70th b-day party, with my Stepdad, Oct. 2013.

Make your wishes known

One of the last instructions that Mom gave was that she wanted to go home. And so in her final days, we made arrangements to bring her home from the hospital. Back when she was diagnosed, she also gave instructions – in the form of a living will. She made it clear that she wanted no extraordinary measures to resuscitate and keep her alive if she could not function on her own. She designated her husband, my stepfather, Allen, and me to make medical decisions in the event that she couldn’t. She made those tough choices to spare us all heartache and confusion later. I thank her for her ability to think through the unthinkable.

Have faith
On Friday, July 18, Mom was released from the hospital to hospice care at home. She was scheduled to host her monthly women’s club meeting that Sunday, and all through the week she had been planning her menu. She had asked Aunt Gwen to make the spaghetti that everybody likes, and reminded Cousin Michele to bring the cheese and crackers. Terri and I were assigned salads, lemonade and ice tea. Don’t forget dessert, she said, instructing us to thaw a yellow pound cake she had made and stored in the big freezer in the garage.

Even in her last days, as she no longer ate or drank, she planned away – and asked again and again if we had fetched her new hair from the layaway.

On Sunday morning, July 20, we reluctantly cancelled the club meeting. At 9:50 that evening, Mom made her transition, surrounded by her girls and her oldest granddaughter, her husband and a hospice nurse. All that day it was bright and sunny. I couldn’t help thinking that had she not been ill, Mom would have been with her girlfriends or in her garden or out shopping some more.

With my sister Terri and the girls, 2005.
 

Keep going

At the hospital a few days before she came home, Mom’s doctors gathered my sister, stepfather and me around a light box with a sonogram picture to help us understand how the cancer had advanced. As he illuminated the image, one doctor pointed out the white masses that indicated cancer in her liver. “You see, this one’s from April,” he said. “April?” We all responded at once. She had told none of us about that major development. Looking back, it all made sense. 

On June 15, Mom was on a plane bound for Las Vegas. She wanted to meet her first great-grandchild, Micah, who was born the week before to Bridgette, Terri’s oldest daughter. My aunt Zeola called me. “She wants to go,” she said. “Do you think she’s strong enough?” I asked. “Probably not,” my aunt replied, “but she wants to go. What can we do?” Doctors instructed her to wear an antiviral facemask from airport to airport. Her immune system was just that weak. And so she took her 90-pound self, and with a wheelchair escort, boarded a flight to Vegas where she held her great-grandson and counted his fingers and toes and cooed over him for a week. Then she returned home and asked about her next round of chemo. Let’s wait and see, her doctors said, knowing they could do no more.

We buried Mom in a favorite gauzy peach dress, along with her new wig, a dusky blonde that perfectly complemented her skin. We tucked her bowling shoes and a deck of cards in the casket, with the last book that she was reading. It was our way of acknowledging that her transition wasn’t the end but a pause in her busy schedule.

I am grateful to Mom for showing the courage to look death in the eye and not blink. To embrace life and squeeze out every drop. To go ragged, worn, tired, spent.

As the pastor who eulogized her said, Ora Lee Hughes never gave up – her body just gave out. She knew she didn’t have a say in when she would go. But she would be damned if she’d just sit down somewhere, waiting to die.